Let’s forget Hurricane Sandy and Obama/Romney for a moment…

I made an executive decision here at the YDR religion desk this morning. Since I am a staff of one, it wasn’t hard to reach a consensus.

Today we’re going to have some fun on the blog. Sandy is fading from view, and while we realize that a lot of cleanup work needs to be done, and in no way do we make light of the devastation and loss of life, we also subscribe to a laughter-is-the-best-medicine philosophy.

Joke shop in Scarborough, England. (Image courtesy of Stephen McCulloch, http://www.geograph.org.uk/profile/11285)

Likewise, we’re about to be inundated with presidential politics 24/7 from now until Tuesday. So let’s take a break and tell a few jokes, shall we?

Since this is a faith blog, the jokes shall be religious in nature. However, they are in good taste. I invite you to send me your favorites in the comments section, but you must also make sure they pass the taste test.

So without further delay, here are my top five religion jokes, courtesy of www.squidoo.com:

1. A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.

As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

“I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ”

“Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!”

“So tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?”

The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church.”

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”

2. A young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field.

Being concerned about the farmer’s soul the preacher asked the man, “Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?”

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, “Naw, these are soybeans.”

“You don’t understand,” said the preacher. “Are you lost?”

“Naw! I’ve lived here all my life,” answered the farmer.

“Are you prepared for the resurrection?” the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer’s attention and he asked, “When’s it gonna be?”

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, “It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day.”

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, “Well, don’t mention it to my wife. She don’t get out much and she’ll wanna go all three days.”

3. Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, ‘THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.’

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with Heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: ‘It’s gone! It’s all GONE! ‘I lost everything when the power went out!’

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work..

Satan observed this and became irate.

‘Wait!’ he screamed. ‘That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?’

God just shrugged his shoulders and said, “JESUS SAVES”

4. My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.

I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read:

“For a sample of this week’s sermon, push the button.”

5. A minister’s son had just got his driving permit.

He asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car.

His father took him to his study and said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it.”

About a month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.

They again went to the father’s study where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair….”

To which his father replied, “Yes, and they walked every where they went!”

About John Hilton

I grew up in Susquehanna County, Pa. and graduated Syracuse University with a dual degree in journalism/political science in 1998. After working for nearly three years for a weekly paper in upstate New York, I came to southcentral Pennsylvania. I spent 13 years as a reporter and editor for The Sentinel in Carlisle and joined the York Daily Record as religion reporter in September 2011.
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