Baby Face versus Cutie Pie
The first part of the "American Idol" season seven finale was full of comparisons to a championship boxing match. The stream of inspirational quotes between "rounds" was nauseating at best, but I soldiered through. To clear up confusion, I decided to call finalist David Archuleta Baby Face and finalist David Cook Cutie Pie. At the beginning of the show, host Ryan Seacrest asked Cutie Pie what it felt like to be on stage in front of thousands. Cutie Pie responded by asking the crowd, "You tell me." Silly rabbit. I'm sure most people in the crowd don't know what it feels like to sing for thousands of people.
Before the singing smack down, judge Paula Abdul said, "May the best man win." Last time I checked Baby Face wasn't quite a man yet.
Round One:
Cutie Pie came out singing and sporting a Fauxtee (some kind of facial hairdo in between a goatee and beard). He belted out a version of U2's “I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." Clearly he still hadn't found a comfortable vocal range and struggled on a high note or two. Judge Randy Jackson was visibly confused on what year it is by saying, "This is the battle of 2007." It's been 2008 for more than four months now, buddy. Abdul straight up told Cutie Pie that he rocked her world.
Baby Face got a couple good jabs in with a rousing rendition of "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me." Clearly the first round's theme was longest song titles ever. Finicky Judge Simon Cowell gave the round to Baby Face, whose eyes sparkled dramatically with tears. It was clear from several posters that fans won't let the sun go down on their hopes of taking Baby Face to their proms.
Round Two:
Even though Cutie Pie was beaten by someone 8 years younger and 80 pounds lighter, he didn't give up. He threw on a leather jacket, picked up an electric guitar and sang "Dream Big." Even a pretty wicked rock face couldn't win over Cowell, who must have been drinking haterade from his Coca-Cola cup.
Baby Face stuck with his usual blazer-T-shirt combination and scored big with "In This Moment." Clearly the theme this round was songs that no one knows. Even the distracting girly bracelet on Jackson's wrist was no match for Baby Face. He won round two, according to Cowell.
Round Three:
Cutie Pie pulled out all the stops for the final round, including an acoustic guitar and red tie. He chose to sing "The World I Know" by Collective Soul. He broke down after the song just to pull on America's heartstrings and gag reflexes a bit more. Abdul gave him a standing ovation for the man tears.
Baby Face burst out with his take on John Lennon's "Imagine." Sure, he sang it before, but he sang it beautifully. Cowell declared that Baby Face had a knock-out, at which point piercing screams filled the arena and no doubt almost shattered Jackson's hip glasses.
The night ended with a performance from arguably the least successful Idol winner Ruben Studdard. Unfortunately, most people were probably too busy calling in their votes to notice.
Check back Wednesday night for a recap of the last half of the finale.
Ugh. Archie is creepy. Too much sincerity. (Not that I watch the show every Tuesday night or anything...)