The first season of "Designing Women" came out on DVD this week. The Monkey See blog has a great game that lets you write your own Julia Sugarbaker rant.
Each episode, something would inevitably send Julia (played by Dixie Carter) on an indignant rant that would make CNBC's Jim Cramer blush. Monkey See encourages you to make up your own in the spirit of Mad Libs.
Write a list of the following 20 things, which you later plug into your rant. (See jump.) Don't forget to share your rant in the comments section!
The items:
AN APPETIZER
A FAMOUS CRIMINAL
AN INEXPENSIVE RETAILER
A SMALL AMOUNT OF MONEY
A METAL
A BREAKFAST CEREAL
AN ENVIRONMENTAL PROBLEM
A POPULAR GADGET
A JUNK FOOD
A REALITY SHOW
A KIND OF CANDY
A SPORTING EVENT
A HISTORICAL FIGURE NAMED "JOHN"
A CELEBRITY NAMED "JOHN"
AN ARTICLE OF CLOTHING
A HOME ELECTRONICS COMPONENT
A CHAIN RESTAURANT
A CITY IN THE SOUTHERN U.S.
A POPULAR TOY
A LITERARY FIGURE
Your 'Designing Women' Rant
I would rather spend two hours sharing [AN APPETIZER] with [A FAMOUS CRIMINAL] than watch a woman who apparently purchased her intellect at [AN INEXPENSIVE RETAILER] for [A SMALL AMOUNT OF MONEY] chase twenty-five men with biceps made of [A METAL] and heads packed with [A BREAKFAST CEREAL].
Because when future generations look upon what we have left for them, which may by then be little more than [AN ENVIRONMENTAL PROBLEM] and millions of non-biodegradable [POPULAR GADGET]s, I fear they will conclude that they would have welcomed bread and circuses if only they had realized the alternative was [A JUNK FOOD] and [A REALITY SHOW].
[sits down and crosses arms, but then immediately stands back up]
And let me tell you a little something about romance: Handing out roses like you are a mascot throwing [A KIND OF CANDY] to the assembled hooligans at a [SPORTING EVENT] is not my idea of romance. Romance is a man who knows the difference between [HISTORICAL FIGURE NAMED "JOHN"] and [CELEBRITY NAMED "JOHN"] and who is capable of putting on [AN ARTICLE OF CLOTHING] without scratching his head as if he is connecting a [HOME ELECTRONICS COMPONENT] without the instruction manual.
So do not ask yourself why I do not particularly enjoy a television show where the assembled male candidates represent romantic prospects inferior to the workers on the night shift at the [CHAIN RESTAURANT] in [CITY IN THE SOUTHERN U.S.]. Ask yourself whether, after a lifetime playing with a cultural [A POPULAR TOY] and dancing on the grave of [A LITERARY FIGURE], you will ever ... recover... your dignity.
I would rather spend two hours sharing hummus and pita with Bonnie and Clyde than watch a woman who apparently purchased her intellect at Target for $2.50 chase twenty-five men with biceps made of steel and heads packed with Grape Nuts.
Because when future generations look upon what we have left for them, which may by then be little more than factory farming and millions of non-biodegradable Blackberries, I fear they will conclude that they would have welcomed bread and circuses if only they had realized the alternative was Red Bull and the "The Bachelorette."
[sits down and crosses arms, but then immediately stands back up]
And let me tell you a little something about romance: Handing out roses like you are a mascot throwing Dum-Dums to the assembled hooligans at a wrestling match is not my idea of romance. Romance is a man who knows the difference between John Adams and John Roberts and who is capable of putting on socks without scratching his head as if he is connecting a cell phone charger without the instruction manual.
So do not ask yourself why I do not particularly enjoy a television show where the assembled male candidates represent romantic prospects inferior to the workers on the night shift at the Taco Bell in Jacksonville. Ask yourself whether, after a lifetime playing with a cultural Twister and dancing on the grave of Emily Bronte, you will ever ... recover... your dignity.