Infertility etiquette

First the don’ts:

1. DON’T say things like, “Maybe it’s God’s will.” Really? That is odd because I have always been taught that God is loving and wants us to “go forth and multiply.” I don’t remember the passage in the Bible that said only a select few should have children. Is it also God’s will that people like Susan Smith and Andrea Yates have children and then kill them? I kind of think not.

2. DON’T make jokes like “Are you sure you doing it right?” I have infertility, not a complete lack of good sense. My mom explained how babies are made when I was 11. I think I remember the basic mechanics. Along the same lines, men, don’t look at me and ask me if I need a “sample.” THAT is called sexual harassment and it is illegal. Besides, if I don’t beat you up for that, you better believe my husband will and, for once, I will let him.

3. DON’T say “Well, it must be fun trying all the time! Wink, wink!” Actually, it is not fun. Yes, my husband and I do have relations frequently, but that is because our reproductive endocrinologist (RE) has told us when to have sex in order to maximize our chances of conceiving. Sometimes, one or both of us have a headache, are tired, are mad at the other one, or just don’t feel that sexy right then and there. With infertility, it doesn’t matter. If the calendar says to be intimate, we have to be intimate or risk wasting an entire cycle. Our insurance doesn’t pay for fertility medications or treatments, so if we waste a cycle, we aren’t just wasting time, we’re throwing away anywhere from several hundred to several thousand dollars. So you can see, that no, infertility is NOT “fun.”

4. DON’T tell infertile people that “it will happen one day.” The hard truth is that it might not. Sometimes women just can’t get pregnant. Oftentimes there is a medical reason, but about 1/3 of the cases of infertility are unexplained.

5. DON’T offer suggestions about adoption or donor services. We know about them. Also, please don’t say, “Well, So-and-So did XYZ and got pregnant.” That’s great for So-and-So, but just because it worked for her doesn’t mean that it will work for me. Every case of infertility is different than the one before.

6. While I am on the topic of adoption, DON’T suggest that “if all fails, you can just adopt.” This statement is not only offensive to infertile people, but also to anyone involved with adoption. Adoption should never been considered a second choice. Adopted children are kids just like any other kid. They deserve a family that wants them, not a family that is settling for them. Also, please don’t tell us that we “shouldn’t go to some much trouble, when there are so many kids out there that need good homes.” Yes, there are tons of children out there without permanent families, but why is it so wrong for me to want to have a biological child. I think that children are a miracle from God and I’m willing to go through an endless amount of “trouble” to get one. As soon as I hold my child for the first time, all of the tests, procedures, and other unmentionable indignities I endured will fade in comparison to my baby.

7. DON’T ask which one has the “problem.” First of all, it is none of your business. Second, one day you will get someone who is sassy like me, who will assume that since you want to know who has the problem, you will also want to know everything else about our treatments. Much to my family chagrin, I can talk for hours about the intimate details of my infertility treatments without the least bit of shame or embarrassment. Don’t make me pull out this secret weapon.

8. DON’T tell us to relax. Infertility is a disease; it can not be relaxed away. Would you tell a diabetic to relax away his/her sugar issues? Should cancer patients just “chill out.” It would offensive to tell them that, just like it is offensive to tell us that. Now, I will grant you that high stress levels can inhibit reproduction, but that is not the biggest speed bump I will encounter on the road to mommyhood.

9. When I tell you about my infertility, DON’T giggle and tell me, “Wow. My husband just looks at me and I’m pregnant!” How does that help the situation? Let me help you out with that question; IT DOESN’T! Also don’t tell me you know what I’m going through because it took you 3 months to get pregnant. Three months is nothing! The clinical diagnosis for infertility is the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected intercourse (six months if the woman is over age 35) or the inability to carry a pregnancy to live birth (www.resolve.org). You don’t know what I am going through, so please please please don’t act like you do. It is highly offensive.

10. Finally, don’t complain about your kids and/or pregnancy. Just be happy you are a parent. Morning sickness, weight gain, never having free time, kids screaming, etc. all sound like heaven to someone who is infertile. Not because we’re crazy, but because having any of that means that we are a mommy or daddy. We have a baby to hold in our arms. We have school plays to go to and cheer loudly at, no matter how bad the acting may be. Being a parent gives one hope for the future. Sometimes I fear that if I don’t have a child, will the world even know that I was here?

Wow, that is a lot of no-nos. Here are some things you can do to make an infertile person’s life brighter.

DO:

1. The most important thing is: Be a friend. If you don’t know what to say, then a simple, “I’m sorry you are having such a hard time.” is like music to our ears. It is empathetic and honest.

2. DO let me cry on your shoulder. Infertility can be so frustrating sometimes, and it really helps to know that a friend is available to just listen.

3. DO understand if sometimes skipping social functions like baby showers and kids’ birthdays is simple self-preservation. Some days are better than others. Most days, I love being around babies, children, and pregnant women. Some days, I feel like crying. Everyone (fertile or infertile) has mood changes. It’s human nature.

4. At the same time, please DO tell us about pregnancies, baby showers, and the cute thing that your kid did. I have 4 nephews and 1 niece and my house is covered in their pictures and artwork. A few weeks ago, I went to my oldest nephew’s baseball game and had a blast. Being around children doesn’t instantly turn me into a big pile of tears. What does make me cry almost instantly is learning that someone didn’t tell me about their good news because they were afraid of hurting my feelings. I’m not anti-pregnancy. I can and usually do feel happy for someone when I learn of their impeding buddle of joy.

5. DO learn more about infertility. Like I mentioned earlier, there are some fantastic sources of information about infertility. WWW.resolve.org is a wonderful website to start out on. The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) is also another great reference.

Heather Weire
North York