We get a little immature

Posted on December 14, 2011 by Mike Argento

Which is pretty much business as usual here at What Have We Learned.

This week, Tom and I discuss protesters, Newt and Wii. Sort of.

First off, protester:

Time magazine named “The Protester” as the Person of the Year.
What have we learned?
And Fox News named “The Pepper Spraying Police Officer” as its Person of the Year.

And Now, Newt:

Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has raised an issue — the nation’s lack of a defense against electro-magnetic pulse — that’s based on a scenario from a science-fiction novel.
What have we learned?
This week, he plans to slam the Obama Administration for not keeping us safe from vampires.

And finally, Wii, sort of:

The National Transportation Safety Board has recommended that states impose a total ban on texting, e-mailing or talking on cell phones while driving.
What have we learned?
But Playstation Portables are still OK, right?

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Tom and talk Penn State, kind of, briefly, not really.

Posted on November 16, 2011 by Mike Argento

It’s been a couple of weeks. Time for a Penn State joke. Tastefully done, of course.

Penn State’s career development office has sent a letter to students offering advice on what to say to prospective employers regarding the scandal enveloping the university?
What have we learned?
“Penn State? Never heard of it. Is there something going on there?”
Or, Replace Penn State on your resume with something more acceptable, such as State Correctional Institute at Camp Hill.
Or, “No, no, no, my name’s not Spanier. It’s Spaniel. Yeah, like the dog.”

And now, Herman Cain. Tom as refrained from Cain jokes, saying he doesn’t want to eat the whole cheesecake in one sitting.

GOP Presidential candidate Herman Cain drew a blank when he was asked about Libya by the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel editorial board.
What have we learned?
He’s finally perfected the Rick Perry school of answering questions.
Or, After a few moments, he said, “I don’t even know anyone named Libya, and if I did, I didn’t do what she said.”
Or, After hemming and hawing for a few minutes, he said, “We have to get rid of whats-his-name, the guy in the pajamas.”

We wondered whether Justin Bieber was even capable of this. Apparently not.

Less than two weeks after she filed it, Mariah Yeater has dropped a paternity suit she filed against singer Justin Bieber.
What have we learned?
Thank God. Our long national nightmare is over.

Neither one of us can figure out the whole thing with patchouli and hippies. It’s a mystery.

After New York City Police cleared Zuccotti Park of Occupy Wall Street protestors, sanitation workers power washed the site.
What have we learned?
Nevertheless, city officials warned that the smell of patchouli might linger for months.

And finally, pizza…mmmmmmmmmm.

After intensive campaigning by food companies that produce frozen pizzas for schools, the salt industry and potato growers, Congress introduced a spending bill that would undo proposed healthier standards for school lunches.
What have we learned?
Somewhere, a tobacco lobbyist is going “Hmmmmm…”


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A non-Penn State edition of What Have We Learned. Sort of.

Posted on November 10, 2011 by Mike Argento

Tom and I try to refrain from talking about the whole Penn State thing. Not much comedy there. But Tom manages.

That and jokes about Rick Perry and vaccines.


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Don’t feel sorry for McQueary.

Posted on November 10, 2011 by Mike Argento

OK, a bit of a rant this morning…

Mike McQueary’s father told USA Today: “He’s a good kid and a tough kid. He did what he was supposed to do, and all of this has been very hard on him. Everything from this and about this (case) has been difficult for him, but he’s a strong person and will be OK.”

I’ve read the grand jury presentment. I’ve read what McQueary saw in the shower. I’ve read how McQueary responded, leaving without doing anything to stop what was the rape of a child.

And I want to tell McQueary this:

I don’t want you to be OK. I want you to wake every morning with that grotesque vision on your mind. I want that grotesque sight to permeate your dreams. I want you to go to bed every night with that grotesque vision. I want you to carry that grotesque vision with you every single day until you shuffle off this mortal coil.

McQueary, Schultz, Curley, Spanier and, yes, Paterno turned a blind eye to an alleged monster in their midst. They were more interested in protecting the institution than protecting children. How very Catholic.

There should be a special circle of hell reserved for them.

OK, rant over.

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Old people and the Kardashians, or at least one of them

Posted on November 2, 2011 by Mike Argento

This week, Tom and I discuss old people, the Kardashian marriage and some other stuff, such as how, if we were running for president, we’d be drunk all the time too.

First off, the old people:

The FBI arrested four senior citizens in Georgia for allegedly concocting a large-scale terrorism attack in the United States, targeting U.S. citizens, corporations, the media and government officials. They are alleged to have stockpiled a cache of bioweapons and automatic weapons.
What have we learned?
They never should have cancelled “Matlock.”
Or, Has Old Country Buffet cancelled the early bird special?
Or, Those kids will learn to stay off their lawns.
Or, This is what you get when you increase the co-pay on Viagra prescriptions.
Or, Bioweapons? What were they going to do, dump Metamucil in the water supply?

And now, Rick Perry:

Rumors circulated that Texas Gov. Rick Perry, running for the GOP presidential nomination, was intoxicated when he delivered a speech in which he appeared very animated.
What have we learned?
Yeah, if we were running for president, we’d be drunk all the time too.

And the Kardashians, or at least one of them:

Reality TV star Kim Kardashian and basketball player Kris Humphreys ended their marriage after 72 days. The wedding aired as a two-hour special on E!
What have we learned?
At least we won’t have to care about Kardashian any more, at least until another sex tape surfaces, which is expected in 3, 2, 1…
Or, This is shocking. We expected it to last at least three months.
Or, Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to air the honeymoon on Spice.

And finally, texting while driving:

The state House and Senate both passed a bill that bans texting while driving.
What have we learned?
Yeah, but what we gain in traffic safety, we might lose in gene pool integrity.

Listen to it here:

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Death by misadventure and Harleys, not at the same time

Posted on October 27, 2011 by Mike Argento

This week, Tom and I worked out some jokes about Amy Winehouse — What? Too soon? — and recalled Harleys.

But first, a joke about an obscene phone caller.

A 43-year-old Central Pennsylvania man was sentenced to probation in Cumberland County Court after pleading guilty to making thousands of lewd phones calls over the past five years, including making more than 400 in one day.
What have we learned?
Now they tell us. We were still holding for Amanda. Last name Huggenkiss.

And speaking of obscenities, at least as far as municipal debt is concerned, here’s a joke at Harrisburg’s expense.

Gov. Tom Corbett launched a state takeover of the heavily indebted Harrisburg
What have we learned?
Corbett maintains that representatives of state government will be greeted as liberators and that the takeover will pay for itself.

And now, a suburban hobo joke.

The New York Times reported that the poor population in America’s suburbs rose by more than half after 2000, with two-thirds of the new suburban poor added after the recession began in 2007.
What have we learned?
This is good news for the Bindle Boutique in the mall.

And now, the headliners. First up, Harley.

Harley Davidson announced a voluntary recall of thousands of motorcycles manufactured in York County.
What have we learned?
The defect involves mufflers. Apparently they were accidentally installed.

And finally, a terrible Amy Winehouse joke. Yes, we feel bad. Woman could sing.

A coroner’s report concluded that the manner of singer Amy Winehouse’s death was “death by misadventure.”
What have we learned?
What? Was she eaten by the big bad wolf on her way to grandma’s house?

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This will make sense Friday, or when my Friday column is posted.

Posted on October 24, 2011 by Mike Argento

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Very special Herman Cain edition!

Posted on October 19, 2011 by Mike Argento

We love Herman Cain. The guy cracks us up.

Anyway, he’s been in the news lately — what’s he been up to? — and we couldn’t help but notice.

First off, a video…

Good God!

And now, the joke:

A viral video surfaced this week of GOP presidential candidate/pizza magnate Herman Cain singing a version of John Lennon’s “Imagine” in which he asked listeners to imagine a world without pizza.
What have we learned?
Just where is Mark David Chapman when we really need him?

Herman’s also caught the attention of Spike Lee.

Filmmaker Spike Lee tweeted, “Herman Cain says he wants his SECRET CODENAME to be ‘CORNBREAD’ when he becomes President of The United States. NEGRO PEASE.”
What have we learned?
At least he didn’t say “Buckwheat.”

Tom comes close to invoking Godwin’s Law with this one:

Republican presidential contender Herman Cain went on “Meet the Press,” citing public support for his “9-9-9” plan as evidence of his vialbility as a candidate.
What have we learned?
Cain subsequently realized it was a negative response, and he’d simply misinterpreted the chanting during a speech before a group of German-speaking Americans.

And not to be left behind Michele Bachmann piped in.

At Tuesday’s GOP debate in Las Vegas, Minnesota U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann, criticizing President Obama’s foreign policy, said, “The president put us in Libya. Now he’s put us in Africa.”
What have we learned?
Did you know that Africa is, like, all kinds of different countries?

It wasn’t just politicians making news. Wild animals on the loose in Ohio!

Some 50 exotic animals escaped from a private zoo in Zanesville, Ohio, Tuesday. ABC News reported that one of the monkeys had been eaten by a lion.
What have we learned?
So what you’re saying is this problem will eventually take care of itself. 

And finally, an Occupy Harrisburg joke.

Local residents joined in solidarity with other area protesters for an “Occupy Harrisburg” demonstration.
What have we learned?
Well, we’re glad somebody wants to occupy Harrisburg.

Listen here:

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The revolution will be Twitpiced

Posted on October 14, 2011 by Mike Argento

This photo from Occupy Wall Street is from Twitpic. Doesn’t need much explanation.

The Greatest Generation

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Stoned old people

Posted on October 12, 2011 by Mike Argento

 

In this week’s edition of What Have We Learned, Tom and I discuss stoned old people, lawsuits and the legal genius of Lionel Hutz, having fun in Vegas and the Black Death.

First up, stoned old people.

Three Huntington Beach, Calif., senior citizens were hospitalized Saturday after they were fed pot brownies at a memorial service for their friend. The seniors, two 71-year-old women and an 82-year-old man, suffered “dizziness and [an] inability to stand unassisted,” according to a report on the Huntington Beach Police Department’s Facebook page.
What have we learned?
It also gave them greater insight into the artistry of the White Album.
Or, They were treated with a bag of Doritos and released.
Or, “Whoa! If I connect the age spots on the back of my hand, it looks just like Mick Jagger.”
Or, I didn’t know Keith Richards caters funerals.
Or, A hospital spokesman described their conditions as “kind of giggly.”
Or, “I never before pickup on all of the levels and nuances of meaning in ‘Monk.’ I liked where he counted all of those toothpicks.”

And then, the lawsuit, complete with a “Simpsons” reference.

A York man who pleaded guilty to illegally selling prescription drugs is suing the doctor who prescribed the painkillers to him for medical malpractice and medical negligence. Lionel “Beans” Sease, serving a six-to-16-year sentence for possession with the intent to deliver drugs and cocaine delivery, is seeking $43 million in damages from the doctor.
What have we learned?
This is the most important lawsuit in American jurisprudence since Lionel Hutz sued over the “Neverending Story.”

And a local crime story, complete with a “Dr. Strangelove Reference.” Never get tired of “Dr. Strangelove.”

A North Hopewell Township woman was arrested last week for allegedly shoplifting a candle, two sticks of butter, cheese, a box of oatmeal raisin cookies and 10 packs of batteries from a grocery store.
What have we learned?
Fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

And, finally, a science joke, kind of.

Researchers who have sequenced the genome of the bacteria responsible for The Black Death from the medieval era have concluded that it was a newly evolved variant of a harmless bacteria.
What have we learned?
Ultimate conclusion? God’s punishment for taking prayer out of medieval schools.

Listen here:

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