Panda trial hoopla begins!

By MIKE ARGENTO

HARRISBURG — Shortly after 8 a.m., Dover Area schools Supt. Richard Nilsen arrived at the federal courthouse for what will heretofore be known as the Dover Panda Trial bearing the expression of a man on his way to a prostate examination.

His expression was grim as he walked briskly through the phalanx of reporters and photographers camped out on the courthouse steps. He was soon surrounded by cameras, and WGAL’s Ed Weinstock broke the ice, asking Nilsen whether he had anything to say in this, the cusp of history being played out on the ninth floor of the federal building. Nilsen remained mum.

And so it began, the trial previously known as the Dover Monkey Trial, homage to the Scopes Monkey Trial.

But this trial has nothing to do with monkeys — neither did the Scopes affair in Dayton, Tenn. It’s going to be all about pandas. Early on, it became clear that one of the sacred texts of “intelligent design,� “Of Pandas and People,� will be on trial as much as the school district of Dover.

What the pandas did to deserve this notoriety is not known. All they did is come to this country and take up residence in the National Zoo, where zookeepers have become way too preoccupied with their mating habits. And now this, their picture plastered on the cover of a book that’s a central weapon in the culture war.

And that’s what’s playing out in the federal courthouse — the culture war. The battlefield is an airless, windowless room on the ninth floor — courtroom No. 2, the preserve of Judge John E. Jones III of the U.S. Middle District Court. The soldiers all wear blue or gray suits, mixed and matched, so there’s no replay of the blue vs. the gray. That was a different kind of war, one in which Americans were divided by seemingly irreconcilable differences ...oh, never mind.

Outside, the press awaited the beginning of the circus. But the circus wasn’t cooperating. The reporters and photographers and videographers and TV producers kept a careful watch for an outbreak of circus-like behavior. Among the crowd was a reporter for People magazine, just in case, I suppose, Angelina Jolie stopped by to offer her views on the subject of evolution.

At one point, a woman from East Berlin — not the German one — was praying on the sidewalk on Third Street, around the corner from the courthouse entrance. Her monologue with the Almighty was interrupted when word circulated among the press herd that something remotely circus-like was happening nearby, and they descended to inquire about it.

The woman, a 53-year-old preacher’s wife named Cindy Mummert, told the reporters she was praying. She had her Bible and everything. The reporters asked her a bunch of questions. To her credit, Mummert answered all of them. When it became clear that she wasn’t circus-like enough, the reporters drifted away, and Mummert resumed praying, perhaps asking God to keep the press the heck away from her.

Inside, earlier, those wishing to attend the proceedings — a wish some would later regret because of the stifling boredom that would descend upon the room — waited in the seventh-floor grand jury room. There, some guy from the Discovery Institute, the organization pushing “intelligent design� as a means of getting around that pesky separation of church and state business, spoke with a reporter, saying that Darwin was somehow responsible for the Holocaust.

Not to overanalyze, but what?

That’s akin to saying that Bill Gates is responsible for Internet pedophiles.

The “intelligent design� theory is that something had to create us and all of the critters we share the earth with because we are so complex that we cannot possibly be the result of an accident. Personally, I don’t know. I’ve never asked my parents, and it’s one of those things you really don’t want to know.

Inside the courtroom, with its oak paneling and bright lights, the trial of this century, so far, opened with the lawyers addressing the court. The lawyer for the plaintiffs, parents who don’t want the school district meddling in religious instruction, argued that school board members sought to teach creationism and found the answer to their prayers in “intelligent design,� which is intended to make creationism sound like it has some basis in science.

The defendant’s lawyer argued, no, it’s not and downplayed the role the board’s religious beliefs played in the decision to expose kids in Dover to faith-based science.

The lawyer also said that the board didn’t really listen to former board member Bill Buckingham, who was pushing creationism and talked about Jesus a lot, and had consulted with science teachers before imposing what the defense kept calling a “minor� change to the biology curriculum — both of which, considering the record to date, would be a surprise to Buckingham and the science teachers.

The lawyer repeatedly referred to the “intelligent design� instruction as “minor.�

Not to make a federal case out of it or anything.

Outside, things were quiet. At lunchtime, the Rev. Jim Grove — he of the controversy over his abortion protests during the York Halloween Parade — emerged from the courthouse and was swamped by reporters and photographers. He held court on the corner of Third and Walnut, pontificating for the cameras, making some wonder, just what does this have to do with the Halloween parade?

A short time later, Dave Vollero and his daughter, Rachel, were walking by, and because Rachel had the appearance of a high school student, which she is, the press encircled her, asking her all sorts of questions about “intelligent design� and school and all of that.

One of the reporters asked her, “What grade are you in at Dover?�

“I don’t go to Dover,� said Rachel, who attends Red Land High School in Fairview Township.

Her father, who works in waste management, said they were going to the rally at the Capitol to protest the legislative pay raise and had merely stopped by the courthouse because they saw all of the TV cameras and were wondering what was going on.

Asked if he thought he’d become a spectacle merely by stopping, he said, “Not really.�

Sometimes, that’s all it takes.

After lunch, Nilsen returned to the courthouse and was, once again, surrounded by cameras.

“This must be how Julia Roberts feels,� he quipped.

I kind of doubt it.

Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com. Read more Argento columns at ydr.com/mike.