Aaron Burr and Dover: Together again, sort of.

Time for a re-vote Aaron Burr would be proud of
MIKE ARGENTO

As we consider the plight of James Cashman, failed candidate for the Dover Area School Board, let's recall a phrase that a lot of us heard, oh, about five years ago.

Cashman, in case you forgot, lost his bid last month by 99 votes to Brian Rehm, who, as a science teacher, knows something about education and science, two subjects in dire need in Dover. Cashman claimed a malfunctioning voting machine cost him the election, that it recorded just one vote for him, while other candidates got about 100 on the same machine.

Well, actually, the machine recorded a half vote for Cashman, as the counter appeared stuck between zero and one, according to reports.

OK, that's a bad break.

Let's go back in our wayback machine to 2000, right about this time of year.

If you'll recall, Al Gore - remember him? - had challenged the election results in Florida.

Sure, it was a mess, replete with allegations of fraud and ineptitude and just plain stupidity.

And at the time, we heard this refrain from the supporters of our court-appointed president:

You lost.

Get over it.

That's easy advice to give to people who lack access to lawyers.

Cashman, of course, does have access and has hired one to ask the York County Common Pleas Court to order a new election. Or a new vote between him and Rehm. Or a new vote in the precinct in which the voting machine malfunctioned. Or a re-vote just on one machine in that precinct.

Something like that.

That's a difficult thing to do, a re-do. There's the expense and the difficulty posed by the fact that we do not have a wayback machine and cannot go back and replicate the exact results of how the vote might have been recorded in that voting device.

Others have suggested alternate means for settling the election - flipping a coin, drawing straws, cutting cards - essentially leaving the entire enterprise up to chance.

None of those resolutions seem quite fair, trying to represent the will of the voters with a game of chance.

So, in lieu of a re-vote, or flipping a coin, or any of that kind of nonsense, I'd like to suggest some alternatives. Please, keep in mind, these are for amusement purposes only. No wagering. Also, kids, don't try any of these at home.

OK, on with the electoral fun:

· Arm wrestling - To even it out, make it a best-of-three contest. In this case, though, Rehm would have a distinct advantage because he's a big guy. Further, he knows science stuff - he teaches physics - and he could go all Newtonian on Cashman.

· A drinking contest - This would be a drinking game based on a reading of the transcript of Kitzmiller vs. Dover. Each contestant would have to do a shot every time any variation on the word "flagellum" is mentioned. Last man standing wins. Considering that trial included 385 such references, according to the National Center for Science Education's Nick Matzke, it shouldn't take too long.

As an aside, Matzke noted, "I was about to suggest that this count beats the total of all previous usages of the word 'flagellum' in all trials, anywhere in history, but then I remembered the original meaning of 'flagellum,' which is the Latin term for 'whip.'" So should the contestants object to using the Kitzmiller transcript, on political, legal or boredom grounds, perhaps we could fall back to the transcript of the 1851 case of Ishmael vs. Ahab.

· A rational debate focusing on the issues in which the best candidate wins - just kidding.

Should any of those be unacceptable, we still have the option to go back to the old-fashioned means of settling political disputes.

We're talking pistols at dawn - the Aaron Burr solution.

Aaron Burr - not the guy who played Perry Mason and Ironside - was vice president of the United States - a sort of Dick Cheney character - serving with Thomas Jefferson. In 1804, while still vice president, he ran for governor of New York, but lost a hotly contested election to a Republican named Morgan Lewis. Burr accepted his defeat with grace and dignity, and by that I mean he blamed Alexander Hamilton. Alexander Hamilton was publisher of the New York Post and, at least according to Burr, a jerk who continually pilloried Burr on Page Six. (Typical item in the gossip column: "A certain vice president of the United States was spotted getting a lap dance at Ye Olde Flashdancers. Tiffani reports he's a lousy tipper.")

The two men settled their dispute in Weehawken - Jersey, figures - at ten paces at dawn.

Burr killed Hamilton. (It's been said that Hamilton didn't even try to shoot Burr. Whoops!)

And he remained vice president. (Of course, later, he was tried for treason and died penniless after squandering his second wife's money speculating on real estate.)

Besides being good news for Dick Cheney - I think we can all agree that killing a man is a lot more serious than allegedly lying about outing a CIA agent - it's precedent for settling political disputes.

And it would appeal to the fiscal conservatism of the Dover school board. Think about it. Re-doing the election would cost money. A duel would generate revenue. The pay-per-view take alone would cover the board's potential liability for legal expenses in the Panda Trial.

And it would help heal the community torn asunder by this rift between ...

OK, maybe it wouldn't.

But it would probably do as much good as having a new election.

Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com.