Here's some help for all of you who have yet to send our your Christmas letter!

By MIKE ARGENTO

You probably get at least one of them every year at about this time — the cloying, saccharine prose peppered with way too many exclamation points and way too much braggadocio masquerading as false modesty.

We’re talking the Christmas letter.

More often than not, they’re from people you only know tangentially — if they were close friends, you’d know all of the stuff described in the letter already — and provide you with way too much information about things you care so little about that your feelings on the subject could not be viewed with an electron microscope.

In other words, who doesn’t love these things?

And who wouldn’t want to send one out to let your friends, acquaintances and complete strangers wallow in the stuff that is your life?

The problem is, it’s a lot of work.

So, to help you out, I’m providing this handy Christmas form-letter to make it easy for you. All you have to do is clip it out, circle the parts that apply to your life and mail it out. Thank me later:

(MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HOLIDAYS, DEAR PAROLE BOARD)!

It’s hard to believe that yet another year has passed! The time passes so quickly when (your family is so busy, life’s so hectic, you’re drunk before noon most days)!

It’s been a very, very eventful year in the life of our family! It’s hard to believe that (God has blessed us so, we’ve had so many interesting things happen this year, the statute of limitations on most of our felonies hasn’t run out)! It’s always nice, at this time of the year, to take some time to (count our blessings, share our lives with our closest and dearest friends and relatives, consult with our attorneys)!

(Biff, Skippy, Cletus) has had an amazing year, professionally speaking. It’s hard to believe that a few short years ago he was (a sales representative, an accountant, replacing the urinal cakes in the men’s room) and now he’s about to become (CEO, CFO, laid off because his job is being shipped to Indonesia)!

It’s a wonderful opportunity and (Biff, Skippy, Cletus) expects to be spending a lot of time (stewarding the company through uncertain economic times, avoiding subpoenas from federal prosecutors, drinking beer and watching “The Price Is Right�)! Wish him luck!

On a personal note, (Biff, Skippy, Cletus) once again (won the golf championship at the country club, successfully programmed the TiVo, totaled his truck when he hit a deer while driving home from Hooters)! Even though we’ve come to expect it, we celebrated this milestone by (having a celebratory dinner at a fancy restaurant, recording 18 hours of soft-core porn off of Cinemax, making deer bologna)!

Things were just as exciting for (Buffy, Marge, Brandi) this year. She fulfilled her wildest dreams by (winning an international bridge tournament in Singapore, winning a blue ribbon for her mock-apple pie at the county fair, being named a featured dancer at Big Al’s Diamond Cabaret)! She doesn’t plan to rest on her laurels and this coming year is (hoping to play in the world bridge championship in Prague, already working on a mock-blueberry pie recipe, planning an evolution-based dance to the tune of “Blinded Me With Science�)!

Little (Biff III, John-Boy, Dingus) is doing amazingly well! He was named (to the dean’s list at his prep school, captain of the wrestling team, a co-conspirator in a three-state meth ring)! And he’s not even out of high school yet! We’re excited as he plans to matriculate to (Princeton, Penn State, Graterford State Correctional Institute) next year! He has big plans and fully expects to make (the debating team, the campus science club, a fake pistol out of a bar of soap)!

Our daughter (Muffy, Lisa, Candi) also had an amazing year! She finished (college, business school, rehab) and expected to move on to (grad school, working in an insurance office, crack)! And she hasn’t spent all of that time with her nose (in a book, out of joint, snorting up the gross national product of Peru)! She (met a wonderful young man, is engaged, latched on to some guy she met in the VIP room at Big Al’s)! Her beau is (a doctor, a Realtor, nicknamed Dirtball by members of his motorcycle club)!

So, as you can see, it’s been quite a year!

We hope next year is (just as wonderful, just as eventful, the year Uncle Buford finally gets out of the slam)!

(MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HOLIDAYS, PLEASE DISPOSE OF THIS LETTER AFTER YOU READ IT)! Â?

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Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com.