By MIKE
ARGENTO
U.S. Sen. Arlen Specter, a Republican from Philadelphia, chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee and an Eagles fan, this week threatened to haul the Philadelphia Eagles before his committee to investigate the team’s treatment of star wide receiver Terrell Owens. He backed off the threat almost immediately when it was pointed out that the Judiciary Committee may have more important things to deal with. ...
ARLEN SPECTER: I call this hearing of the Senate Special Judiciary Subcommittee on Football and Football-related Matters to order. Will the witness be sworn.
TERRELL OWENS: I can swear. Cool. $@*))#**$&)—)@*(*&&¢#¢%%)*%#@
SPECTER: Will the witness refrain from swearing. Mr. Owens, we are here to explore your role in the collapse of the Philadelphia Eagles and why they are so terrible this year .¤.¤. .
OWENS: If they paid me more money, everything’d be copacetic, you know what I’m saying. If they gave me the respect I deserve in the form of cash, we wouldn’t have this problem. Oh, and it’s all Donovan McNabb’s fault.
SPECTER: We appreciate your candor, Mr. Owens. I shall now yield to the gentleman from Wisconsin.
RUSS FEINGOLD: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. I don’t have a specific question for Mr. Owens. But I would like to explore why he thought the Eagles would be better off with Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre. With all due respect, Favre throws so many stupid passes. I mean, did you see that one Sunday? He threw it right to that guy on the Eagles, whatshisname, Hood, some third-string defensive back. I would like this committee to go on the record about Mr. Favre’s poor decision to throw that ball, as well as to protest his terrible acting in that Sensodyne toothpaste commercial. Sensitive teeth, my .¤.¤.
SPECTER: I believe such a motion is out of order at this point in time. Though, we will entertain a motion .¤.¤. .
CARL LEVIN, D-MI: Mr. Chairman, I believe we can entertain the motion as long as we include language noting that Mr. Favre’s performance in “There’s Something About Mary� was actually pretty funny, especially when he tells Ben Stiller, “I’m in town to play the Dolphins, dumb .¤.¤. �
BILL NELSON, D-FLA.: Don’t get me started about the Dolphins. Ricky Williams, please...
SPECTER: So noted.
LEVIN: And one more thing, Mr. Chairman, I would also like to ask the chair to issue a subpoena to call Detroit Lions president Matt Millen to explain to this committee just what he thinks he’s doing. He’s been running the Lions for, what, five years now and we just keep getting worse. Joey Harrington? Give me a break! He stinks. He couldn’t hit his grandmother with a baseball bat.
SPECTER: The comments about Mr. Harrington’s grandmother are uncalled for and stricken from the record. Now, back to the Eagles, I think we need to get the FBI involved to search for the running game. Good gravy .¤.¤. .
BARBARA MIKULSKI, D-MD: Mr. Chairman, could we expand that request to have the FBI investigate whether any federal statutes are being violated by Kyle Boller’s masquerading as a professional quarterback? Also, I’d like to file a missing persons report on Jamal Lewis. Whoever that is on the field every Sunday sure as heck isn’t the Jamal Lewis we all know .¤.¤. .
SPECTER: We seem to be getting far afield here.
JON CORZINE, D-N.J.: Sir, with all due respect, all of my esteemed colleagues may have their grievances, but I believe those of us in Jersey have been victims long enough. I’m talking about the Jets, of course.
CHARLES SCHUMER, D-N.Y.: Point of order, Mr. Chairman. Technically, the Jets are a New York team, but they play in New Jersey, and as far as we’re concerned, Jersey can have them. What are they, 2-9?
CORZINE: Mr. Chairman, the honorable gentleman from New York is out of order. Certainly, once the Jets turn things around and become good — I mean, how do you expect them to win with Brooks Bollinger at quarterback? — New York will try to reclaim them.
SCHUMER: Get good? Don’t make me laugh.
GEORGE ALLEN, R-VA.: Mr. Chairman, I would like to interject. Technically, the Redskins are headquartered in Virginia and play their games in Maryland, but are still called the Washington Redskins. And, I’d also like to point out that we stink, too. What happened to Joe Gibbs? How could he go from Hall of Fame coach to blithering moron in a couple of years? He must’ve inhaled too many exhaust fumes when he was running that NASCAR team .¤.¤.
SPECTER: My honorable colleagues, we seem to have strayed from the purpose of this hearing. Can we please get back on track?
JOHN CORNYN, R-TEXAS: Absolutely, Mr. Chairman. I hereby move that we approve the appointment of Terrell Owens to serve as an associate justice on the U.S. Supreme Court.
OWENS: What’s that pay?
Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com.
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