The War on Festivus!

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MIKE
ARGENTO

You know, they’re right.
It’s about time somebody stood up for our holiday.
They’re all right.
Jerry Falwell, criticizing retailers for using “happy holidays� in ads, urging boycotts and threatening to sue anybody who gets in his way?
He’s right.
William Donohue, president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, complaining that the White House Christmas card doesn’t mention Christmas, instead wishing Dubya’s 1.4 million closest friends a happy “holiday season�?
He’s right.
Joseph Frank, a wingnut who runs a conservative Web site, throwing away the Christmas card he received from Dubya, saying the president “claims to be a born-again evangelical Christian, but he sure doesn’t act like one�?
He’s right.
The loopy Heritage Foundation, pushing the notion that there’s a war against Christmas?
It’s right.
The even loopier Bill O’Reilly, the man who once suggested erotic uses of falafels — I didn’t understand it, either — battling the forces of evil who want to turn Christmas into some kind of materialistic, secular orgy of excessive consumption involving Middle Eastern food, I suppose?
He’s right.
And you know how bad it’s become when O’Reilly becomes part of the conspiracy. His Web site was selling Christmas tree ornaments, but instead of calling them Christmas tree ornaments, the Web site called them “holiday� ornaments. (It was changed later.)
Anyway, I came to the conclusion about the conspiracy while shopping the other day. Everywhere I turned, it said “happy holidays.�
Nowhere did it mention the reason for the season.
You know what I’m talking about.
Festivus.
It’s the Festivus season, and those Grinches who care only about profits and political correctitude and appeasing their dark lord — either Satan or Dick Cheney, your choice — are trying to take it away from us.
I won’t let it happen.
Not on my watch.
I think I have the right to be able to walk into any retailer at this time of year and be greeted by signs wishing me a festive Festivus. I have the absolute right to expect sales flyers and ads and the president to mention Festivus on equal footing with all other holidays.
But no.
And you know why?
There’s a war against Festivus.
It’s a conspiracy, I tell you. They want to take our Festivus away from us.
In case you’re not aware of the holiday, it was established on “Seinfeld,� after George Costanza’s father got into a fight over a doll and vowed to create his own holiday. And he did. He came up with Festivus. It’s celebrated Dec. 23, an occasion marked with the airing of grievances and feats of strength. Instead of a tree, observers erect an aluminum pole.
Which brings us back to the conspiracy against Festivus.
Go into Home Depot or Lowe’s or Tractor Supply or any fine purveyor of aluminum poles. Do they call them Festivus poles? No. They call them, generically, aluminum poles.
Please.
Now, I know, a lot of people don’t share my beliefs and, frankly, I don’t care. You don’t have to put up a Festivus pole or take part in the feats of strength or the airing of grievances — speaking of which, well, you know who you are. You don’t have to observe Festivus.
But at the very least, you should be irritated that retailers and politicians and even the president of the entire United States doesn’t wish us a festive Festivus.
It’s just wrong.
So I’m as upset as anybody that the White House, in the words of Donohue, “has suffered a loss of will.�
“Loss of will�?
Was the president calling for our troops to come home? Backing off his tax cuts? Reading a book that doesn’t have pictures?
No, Donahue was referring to the president’s holiday card. The cover of the card was generic, a painting of the White House pets, two dogs and cat, frolicking in the snow outside the White House. Inside, it bore some Old Testament scripture and the message that recipients have a happy “holiday season.�
“Holiday season.� �
�D�ubya’s part of the grand conspiracy, not only against Christmas, but also against Festivus.
He has, as Donohue said, “capitulated to the worst elements of our culture.�
“The worst elements of our culture� are, of course, narrow-minded people with stupid agendas who try to shove their beliefs down everyone else’s throats. Those “worst elements of our culture.�
Let’s not capitulate.
Let’s all have a festive Festivus. And celebrate the holiday season by boycotting retailers and calling anybody who disagrees with you names and further dividing a nation that’s in dire need of more dividing and questioning the religious beliefs of people who are just trying to be nice.
Forget nice.
This the Festivus season.
You don’t like it, go back where you came from and celebrate whatever dumb holiday they have there.
Oh, and have a festive Festivus. Â?
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Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com. Read more Argento columns at ydr.com/mike or at www.yorkblog.com — Argento’s Front Stoop. �