York: Insert Clever Slogan Here!

By MIKE ARGENTO

Dec 8, 2005 — City slogans are in the news and, once again, it provides us an opportunity to update our image and sell the York area to the outside world as the kind of place that hasn't been taken over by creationists and assorted whackjobs.

Actually, it's been a rough period for city slogans.

Recently, for instance, San Diego quietly removed its slogan, "America's Finest City," from its Web site because it's hard to be the nation's finest city when one of your congressmen is going to jail for taking $2.4 million in bribes that included two antique commodes, your City Hall is home to a special unit of the FBI, your credit rating is ranked just ahead of some guy who always gives the points against the Colts and two of your city councilmen were convicted of taking bribes from a strip club owner.

Now, of course, this depends on your perspective. Only a big-time city could support such corruption and silliness. First off, your city would have to be home to strip clubs successful enough to consider bribing city councilmen, and as we all know, a city's health is measured by its strip clubs and their ability to participate in public discourse via cash payments or lap dances.

Another measure, of course, is having a congressman plead guilty to accepting antique commodes as bribes. At the very least, that would certainly place any city in the Top 10 of civic absurdity.

Accepting commodes as a bribe is one thing, but antique commodes? The guy can be bought with old toilets? Talk about a cheap date.

Yet, for all of its apparent charms, San Diego can't compete with York. Not even close. So what if one of your congressmen accepted old toilets as bribes and a couple of city councilmen may have received lap dances in lieu of the traditional strip club owner bribe, which, come to think of it, usually consists of lap dances?

Yes, that kind of stuff is bad. But it bears repeating: York once had a sitting mayor indicted on murder charges.

Sure, he was acquitted, but still, he was charged with murder while still serving as mayor. Take that, San Diego.

We should get some respect for that.

Anyway, San Diego has dropped "America's Finest City" just because it is apparently a cesspool of corruption and incompetence.

Actually, you would think that being a cesspool of corruption and incompetence would be the definition of "America's Finest City" ar at least "America's Funnest City," which used to be New Orleans.

At the same time, the Washington Post reported that Baltimore is struggling to come up with a new slogan. Charm City's history with slogans is pretty mixed. It had "Baltimore is Best," which is kind of inane and dumb and has a streak of insecurity to it as if the city has to proclaim that it, too, is smart, not like all the other kids say.

Then, it was "The City That Reads," which, again, reflects a streak of civic insecurity. Also, that slogan morphed into "The City That Bleeds" to reflect the city's title as the nation's murder capital, a crown eventually ceded to Houston, whose slogan is "Welcome Katrina Victims! Now, Get Out!"

And then, Baltimore gave "Catch The Spirit" a shot, but too many people thought the spirit was an infectious disease and the hospitals and clinics were overrun by people seeking inoculations.

So now, Baltimore has formed a task force and has hired a company to "brand" the city.

Here's one for free: "Baltimore: Where Baseball Players Go To Die."

Anyway, now that we've put the civic unpleasantness of the race riot civil rights suit behind us, it's time for York to start looking for a new slogan. We've been known forever as "America's First Capital," what some consider a specious claim, but one that can be proven to be accurate because we have a bar called the First Capital.

How about "Not As Bad As Daphne, Alabama"?

Which is true, according to Money Magazine. The magazine named York the 95th best place to live in the whole entire country, right above Daphne, which calls itself "Mobile Bay's Eastern Shore." Now that sounds about as appealing as calling downtown York's "The Left Bank of the Codorus."

Or we could go with the tried and true: "York: Under New Management!" or "York: Grand Opening!"

Or we could just steal "America's Finest City." San Diego isn't using it, and our formerly indicted mayor beats their corrupt congressman any day.

I mean, com'n, commodes? Please.