Fight night at city council

FLAIR: We have a supreme match-up tonight, one for the ages. This is the re-match that all fans of municipal government have been looking forward to ever since that fateful Tuesday night when Musso and Smallwood grappled to a draw in the third-floor men’s room at MarketWay. It was a great, great match, one that fans are still talking about and are comparing to the classic bouts between George “The Animal� Steele and the legendary Bruno Sammartino. This is the most anticipation I’ve ever seen for a city council meeting — at least since that meeting last year that ended in a shouting match between Toni “The Italian Assassin� Smith and several members of the audience.

ANNOUNCER: Thanks, Ric. Let’s get ready to rumble. As you can see, for this special re-match, the council table has been surrounded with chicken wire. We’ve been told by the security personnel that it was done as a precaution. Whether it was done to protect the fans or to protect the council members, we don’t know. All we know is we’re in for a special, special night of governance. Joining us ringside is the former champion of the world, the legendary Chief Jay Strongbow.

STRONGBOW: Glad to be here. This is more than just governance; it’s a spectacle. Withthis crew, you never know what to expect.

ANNOUNCER: That’s right. Let’s look back at the previous match. It began with a discussion about the long-delayed baseball stadium project in York. Isn’t that right, Ric.

FLAIR: Steve, I’m telling you, that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Sure, they’ve gone back and forth on the stadium plan for years and years. It’s almost gotten to the point that nobody cares whether they build it or not. It’s no longer the issue. The issue is, plain and simple, these guys don’t like each other. They didn’t like each other before the stadium deal, and they aren’t going to like each other after. This one cuts to the bone. It’s going to get ugly.

STRONGBOW: You got that right. We’re talking some nasty stuff.

ANNOUNCER: Hate to interrupt, but the council members are entering the chambers.

FLAIR: Look at Toni Smith. She’s ready to get it on. She’s already flashing Washington the evil eye.

ANNOUNCER: The dreaded mal’ occhio. Mama mia! It’s starting early.

FLAIR: I haven’t seen this kind of animosity since the great budget debate of¥’05.

ANNOUNCER: OK, it appears they’re getting ready to approve the minutes from the last meeting. Oh no, what did Musso say about Smallwood’s wife. Did you guys get that?

FLAIR: I can’t repeat it. It was pretty nasty.

STRONGBOW: Little known fact, Smallwood’s wife used to be a Playboy Bunny.

ANNOUNCER: Thanks for that insight, chief. Smallwood’s going over the table and he’s got Musso in a headlock.

FLAIR: After what Musso said, I don’t blame the guy. The ref is moving in to break it up and here comes Washington, throwing her name plate at Texter. All havoc has broken out. Look out! Here comes Smith! She’s jumped on Smallwood’s back and is pounding on his head with the gavel. How did she get hold of the gavel? The ref’s going to have some explaining to do!

STRONGBOW: We haven’t had this kind of bad refereeing since the Steelers’ game last week.

ANNOUNCER: The ref’s restoring order, and Musso and Smallwood have squared off. Smallwood is going right for the jugular. He has Musso around the neck and is slamming his head into the council table.

FLAIR: Doesn’t surprise me. Smallwood’s a wily veteran.

ANNOUNCER: Musso is ... LOOK OUT! It’s Smith and she has a chair. Oh my, she just bashed Musso over the head with a chair. Where’s the ref?

FLAIR: I think he stepped out to get a drink. City Solicitor Don “Terminator� Hoyt has stepped in and is saying, “They’re working it out.�

ANNOUNCER: Now Hoyt is being dragged into trying to break up a scuffle between Texter and Washington.

STRONGBOW: This is totally out of control. Where’s the ref when you need him? Where’s the mayor?

FLAIR: Are you kidding me? Kid Brenner doesn’t want to get involved in this. He’s sitting back and waiting for the dust to settle. Then, he’ll settle their hash.

ANNOUNCER: Toni Smith is getting into it with Texter now.

FLAIR: Well, she did grab his gavel. She started it.

ANNOUNCER: Texter is down!

FLAIR: He should know better than to take on Toni Smith. Nobody survives that.

ANNOUNCER: We’ll try to sort this out for you. It’s getting kind of complicated and has deteriorated into a melee. Just wait. Up next, council will be voting on the garbage-collection contract, and it could get ugly. We’ll be right back.

Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com.