Look out! They're teaching cloning in Dover!

Beware of puppies, potato heads
MIKE ARGENTO

Jan 26, 2006 — NEWS ITEM: A resident recently appeared before the Dover Area School Board and asked that the board remove any mention of DNA and cloning from the biology curriculum, apparently concerned that kids would be learning how to build their own human beings with tools they already have around the house.
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Welcome to this year's Dover Area Science Fair. As you will see, the kids have been up to a lot of exciting things, applying the lessons they've learned to some practical - and not so practical - applications. And, as always, the district is not liable for any loss of life or limb that may be experienced by attendees.

This year's projects ran the gamut of scientific knowledge - from experiments involving the spontaneous generation of life from a container of Mu Shu Pork left in the back of a refrigerator for six months to a survey of the accelerated growth experienced by baseball players exposed to Jose Canseco. (The district wishes to express its condolences to those who lost property and suffered personal injury, up to and including death, when the Mu Shu Pork experiment got loose. And, again, such expression does not connote any liability on behalf of the district, its agents or students.)

And now, this year's award winners.

Honorable mention: To Osama bin Strausbaugh for his successful completion of a thermo-nuclear device, constructed with household items. Young Mr. Strausbaugh was able to construct a working hydrogen bomb from plans obtained on the Internet. Before he was taken away, Strausbaugh explained that he learned how to make enriched plutonium in chemistry class and was able to make the substance in his mom's kitchen with some items from the pantry. (His mom's still mighty upset about the loss of her bread machine!) His certificate will be sent to Guantanamo Bay, where he may or may not be incarcerated.

Honorable mention: To Ralph Wiggum for creating a real life Mr. Potato Head. For three years running, Ralph's science fair project has consisted of a potato suspended in a glass of water, an experiment intended to demonstrate that if you suspend a potato in a glass of water, it looks really, really stupid. This year, Ralph suspended the potato in a glass of primordial soup that his mother made, which caused the potato to sprout limbs and a head and to serve in the state Legislature, where its most notable achievements have included voting itself three pay raises. In accepting his award, Ralph said, "My cat's breath smells like cat food."

Honorable mention: To Nelson Muntz for his groundbreaking work on the effects of alcohol on genetically engineered dogs. Nelson took a litter of puppies, and after altering their genes to resemble those in humans - something he learned how to do in Mrs. Miller's biology class - fed them nothing but Coors Light stolen from the storage area behind Moe's Tavern. Early in the experiment, the puppies became huge fans of NASCAR and later evolved into Pittsburgh Steeler fans, after their diet had been changed from Coors to Iron City. The puppies were last seen organizing a trip to Detroit for the Super Bowl.

Third place: To Martin Prince for developing a working robot in shop class. Martin began with a basic design and applying the lessons of advanced robotics, servo controls and remote computer control of advanced machinery - routinely taught in shop class - was able to construct a human-like robot. Unfortunately, the robot developed an Austrian accent and has since moved to California, where he married Skeletor and became the governor of California.

Second place: To Bart Simpson for his work in astrophysics in developing a probe to explore the outer reaches of our solar system. Applying the lessons taught in physics class to shop, Bart was able to build the world's fastest spacecraft and arrange for its launch in his backyard. As we speak, the probe is racing toward Uranus, something Bart repeats with glee.

First place: To Lisa Simpson for her successful human cloning experiment. Applying the lessons she learned in ninth-grade biology class, Lisa was able to clone a human being - her father Homer. Lisa explains, "It was easy. I just obtained a DNA sample while he was sleeping and went to work in the garage with a petri dish and some old Chinese food. Just a few weeks and bingo, instant human!" Lisa said her successful experiment has encouraged her to create a race of Homers and conquer the world, which she will accomplish once she figures out how to get the cloned Homers to get off the couch and actually do something.

And to think, Lisa would never had been able to accomplish that if it weren't for her instruction in cloning and genetic engineering in bio class.