The Rosa Parks of golf.

Golf and urinating just like peas and carrots
MIKE ARGENTO

Jan 30, 2006 — WARNING: The following column deals with urinating in public and golf. If you're offended by either topic, do us both a favor and turn to the Sudoku puzzle right now. Thank you.

WARNING: The following column also contains sweeping generalizations about golf, golfers, urinating in public and the Sudoku puzzle.

WARNING: Please don't come crying to me when you can't figure out how to do the Sudoku puzzle. I don't get it either.

Now that that's out of the way ...

You might not be familiar with the name Morton C. Orman, but in the coming years, he could become the Rosa Parks of golf.

If you're not familiar with Orman, you should be. He's standing up for the rights of golfers. He's pledged to take his case to the highest court that will hear it.

Golfers rejoice!

Exactly what right is he fighting for?

The right of golfers to urinate on the course.

OK, it might not be a right, but it certainly is a tradition. Orman's lawyer, Thomas Gregory Jr., said as much. "Almost every golfer (urinates) on the golf course," he said.

The prosecutor, Bill Graff, an avid golfer, took the Fifth when asked whether he'd ever answered nature's call on the links.

Golfers generally say that if they're going to arrest everyone who urinates on the golf course, there wouldn't be any golfers left.

Here's what happened: Orman, a Baltimore doctor, was playing at Pleasant Valley in East Hopewell Township when, on the 17th, he had to go. Orman, 57, has an enlarged prostate, and that made his trip to the trees by the fairway especially urgent.

Apparently, the trees off the 17th are a popular pit stop, much to the dismay of adjacent property owner Martin Joines, who was tired of golfers using his backyard as a urinal. Joines called the cops. The cops cited Orman for disorderly conduct.

Pause for a moment, and consider the charge - disorderly conduct. Had Orman been urinating in a disorderly way? How does one exactly do that? Wouldn't it be, well, kind of a mess?

Anyway, Orman challenged it and was found guilty at the district court level. He appealed to the York County Common Pleas Court, and Judge Michael Brillhart upheld the conviction, describing Orman's actions as "reckless."

"Reckless"?

I could make a joke about dry-cleaning bills here, but I won't.

Orman's lawyer said his client wishes to appeal, citing his medical condition and the long-standing tradition of golfer's peeing on the course.

The case has led the folks at Pleasant Valley to erect signs discouraging the practice. "We even moved out Port-A-Potties to areas where they're more visible," said Susan Zeiler, the course's pro shop manager.

She said, referring to Orman, a member at the golf club, "Mort is just mortified about this. He thinks it's just gone way too far."

I did some checking - I don't golf so I have no personal knowledge about golfers urinating in public - and it turns out golf courses don't like golfers urinating on the course.

Dan Baker, the head pro at the Hawk Lake Golf Course in West Manchester Township, said people who run golf courses discourage such behavior.

"It's rude," he said. "We have bathrooms along the course, and we expect people to use them."

But even though he's never personally witnessed it, he said he's pretty sure they've had golfers watering the greens at Hawk Lake, so to speak.

I did some further checking and learned that the Web site Betheball.com even lists etiquette for peeing on the golf course. Its rules are:

· "Urinating on the course is as much a part of the game as putting."

· "Whenever possible, players should face away from houses while peeing. This is, however, not necessary if doing so requires peeing into the wind."

· "Players should refrain from peeing on the course if the Cart Girl is on green or fairway in front of the group."

· "Urinating on your opponent's ball is strictly prohibited (unless you are sure you can get away with it without him knowing)."

So there are rules.

Add one to that list. Peeing on the golf course could result in having to hire an attorney.

Before we wrap up this subject, I also found this joke regarding golf and urination. It really has nothing to do with this, but I figured I'd share it anyway, just in case this column wasn't offensive enough already.

Here it is:

Top 10 reasons why golf is like peeing in a public restroom.

"10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

"9. Form a loose grip.

"8. Keep your head down.

"7. Avoid a quick backswing.

"6. Stay out of the water.

"5. Try not to hit anybody.

"4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

"3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

"2. Be quiet while others are about to go.

"1. Keep strokes to a minimum."

See, I told you to turn to the Sudoku puzzle.

Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com. Read more Argento columns at ydr.com/mike or at www.york- blog.com - Argento's Front Stoop.