What's in? What's out? Who has no idea?

Know the ins and outs of 2006
MIKE ARGENTO

Jan 5, 2006 — As the new year dawns and it's time to look forward to 12 more months of breathtaking inanity - my new favorite phrase - it's also a good time to check to see just how out of it you really are.

It's time to peruse the lists of what's going to be in and out this coming year and come to the conclusion that somehow, your knowledge of culture, current events and what passes for civilization as we know it froze like a Neanderthal in the polar ice cap sometime during the '70s.

Or maybe the '60s.

Fifties, anybody?

Here's what I mean. The Washington Post ran a list of what will be in and what will be outta here like Vladimir in 2006 - see, that's how bad I am, with that Vladimir crack - and near the top of it, it lists "badunkadunks" as being out and "humps" being in.

I never knew "badunkadunks" were in to begin with. Where was I when it was declared that "badunkadunks" were in? And "humps"? I'd rather not take a guess at that one, mostly out of fear of getting into trouble with guardians of taste and sensibilities, both appointed and self-appointed.

"Badunkadunks," though, I wasn't sure what they were until I did a quick Google search and learned that they are a part of the human anatomy, particularly the female human anatomy, although men do have them, too, but the reference is clearly intended for the female posterior.

Speaking of behinds, the list also claims that "Citizens of Humanity" jeans are out - nope, I don't know what they are either - and "True Religion" jeans are in. "True Religion" jeans are part of a trend in fancy pants that cost upwards of $500 and are designed - seriously - to either make your butt look bigger or smaller, depending on whether you desire a huge "badunkadunk" or a more trim "badunkadunk."

And now, it doesn't really matter because "badunkadunks" are out. They're history. They're so 2005.

As is Nick Lachey.

Sort of.

The list has Nick Lachey as being both in and out. I guess what that means is the Nick Lachey that served as an accessory to that woman who may or may not have believed that Buffalo wings came from buffaloes is out, and the Nick Lachey who now has more time to hang out at Central League baseball games - his dad coaches the team in Dover - is in.

To extrapolate from that, being an accessory to Jessica Simpson is out and Central League baseball is in.

Easy enough to understand.

Hang out with Jessica Simpson, and you're out.

Hang out at Central League games, and you're in.

OK, so that one makes sense.

But then there was this: "Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A" is out and "4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42" is in.

I have no idea what to make of that; one sounds like the landing instructions given to a mentally challenged pilot and the other like tomorrow's Lotto numbers.

And then there's this one: "Doing Sudoku with a pencil" is out and "Doing Sudoku with a pen" is in.

That's all well and good, but it ignores the large portion of the population that is math challenged and neglects to mention that "Doing Sudoku at gunpoint" is in and "Doing Sudoku as a form of torture that has been approved by the U.S. Attorney General" is out.

Others just make me wish that I now regret not reading "People" magazine while waiting to get a haircut.

Out is "Paul Giamatti." Now, I know who he is. His dad was commissioner of Major League Baseball. In is "Terrence Howard." No idea.

Others you can kind of, sort of, get. You see that "Kenny and Renee" are out and "Keith and Nicole" are in and you know it has something to do with the mating patterns of country music stars and actresses. You see that "Scientologists in love" are out and "Ranch hands in love" are in and you know it's a reference to Tom Cruise and gay cowboys. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Yet, some of the things on the list just don't make sense, or maybe it's just me. Out is "Pope Benedict" and in are "deviled eggs" as if the pope and deviled eggs are mutually exclusive.

Some do make sense. "Persistent vegetative states" are out so don't think about getting in one. Yet, the Post then deems "Lunesta and a beer" are in. Wouldn't Lunesta and a beer bring on a persistent vegetative state?

And there are others that are pretty much the same thing. "Neocons" are out and "Neoconvicts" are in.

Aren't they the same thing?

Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com.