Protesters Marmaduke it out in the streets

Elsewhere, Marmaduke-related violence claimed several lives as government authorities clashed with demonstrators who protested the cartoon by refusing to clean up after their dogs.

“We condemn the Marmaduke cartoon and all it stands for,� said the radical canine activist known as Checkers. “We call upon all dog owners to condemn these attacks on peace-loving and decent dogs and their owners.�

The cartoon in question appeared this week in newspapers all around the world. It depicted Marmaduke being scolded by a woman for laughing as, in the background, a man was rescuing a cat from a tree. The caption read, “Not everyone sees the humor of a cat being chased up a tree.�

Dog owners reacted violently to the cartoon, saying that it offended them that Marmaduke was being scolded for chasing a cat up a tree. Additionally, they claimed that the cat probably ran up the tree by itself in a weak attempt to frame Marmaduke, saying cats are sneaky that way. They also claimed that the cartoon was too pro-cat and greatly exaggerated the danger of cats being stuck in trees.

“How many cat skeletons do you see in trees?� Checkers asked. “Not many.�

Dog activists also denounced the stereotypical depiction of a dog chasing a cat.

“There is much more to dogs than chasing cats,� said the unnamed leader of the radical canine sect, Rin Tin Tintarianism. “Dogs also chase cars and try to bite mailmen.�

It was just the latest in an epidemic of cartoon-related violence sparked when zealous Muslims reacted violently to a four-month-old cartoon that appeared in a Danish newspaper depicting Mohammed with a bomb on his head.

Cat owners stormed the Pentagon to protest a “Get Fuzzy� strip that depicted the cat as a mangy, evil megalomaniac bent on taking over the world by making movies based on “Chicks Gone Whack� infomercials. They claimed the cartoon offensively depicted cats as mangy.

Vikings rioted over a recent “Hagar the Horrible� strip which depicted Vikings as rampaging Norsemen who wear hats with horns — decried as offensive because, Viking clerics explained, some Vikings wear fur hats.

And Chevy owners rioted over a cartoon depiction of Calvin, of “Calvin and Hobbes� fame, urinating on a Chevrolet logo. The cartoon, spotted in the rear window of a Ford F-150 pickup, sparked eight days of violence that ended only after both automakers laid off their entire workforces and moved their operations to Indonesia.

A “Marmaduke� spokesman declined to comment, even as newspapers declined to run the cartoon out of fear of sparking more dog-related violence.

Marmaduke himself appeared on “Hardball,� where he said, “Woof!� and then proceeded to “mark his territory� on host Chris Matthews’ leg.

World leaders were quick to denounce the cartoon violence and call for peace as “Marmaduke�-related rioting broke out across the dog-owning world.

“They’re doing who-what over what-now?� President George W. Bush said when asked about the cartoon violence. “I am against cartoon violence in all of its forms, and this nation will not tolerate cartoon violence, unless it involves a roadrunner. That Roadrunner cracks me up.�

The exemption of Roadrunner-related cartoon violence was believed to be prompted by Vice President Dick Cheney’s former ties with the Acme Corp., a subsidiary of Halliburton and the world’s leading manufacturer of rocket-propelled roller skates and catapults.

Acme spokesman Sylvester denied the vice president had any influence over the exemption and said the company decries cartoon violence.

“Suffering succotash,� he said. “It’s only a cartoon.�

Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com.