Side effects may include a drop in intelligence...

Aliens steer clear of fiber-obsessed Earth
MIKE ARGENTO
Daily Record/Sunday News

Feb 23, 2006 — You just have to know that somewhere in a galaxy, billions and billions of miles away, aliens are studying us via the transmissions we regularly send into space and have reached the obvious conclusion that no intelligent life exists on the third rock from the sun.

Of course, they will have reached that conclusion from our television ads. Forget our television programs. It's the ads that will prompt the aliens to call off the invasion.

I mean, how advanced can a civilization be when its principle concerns include how it smells, what color its hair is and whether it uses a razor that has four or five blades? And what's this obsession with fiber? And don't even gets us started on certain prescription drugs and the side effects that can include things such as the complete and total loss of self-awareness among actors portraying that they are suffering from bladder control issues.

And what's the deal with old people?

I'll get to that.

First, let's consider some of the maxims of human behavior as portrayed in advertisements, compiled by British comedy writer John Camm in the BBC News Web site, with comments.

"Men are obsessed with sex but will forego sex in order to watch football or drink beer." Or eat fish sandwiches, which is the premise of a current ad for a fast-food chain in which a guy is summoned from watching a football game to the bedroom by his wife, who greets him wearing fish-net stockings, which, of course, makes the man think of fish sandwiches. Please. That would certainly depend on three things: Who's playing? What's the score? Do you get fries with that?

"Women are locked in a constant battle with their weight/body shape/hairstyle." I'd add that they are also locked in mortal combat with dust and grime and can only win said battle with the assistance of a guy who looks like he should have portrayed a pirate with "The Village People."

"Both men and women find driving deeply pleasurable, never boring or stressful." Never, in any car ad I've ever seen, do you see a person driving while reading a magazine and talking on the cell phone while performing personal grooming, which entails sticking what appears to be their entire forearm into the sinus cavities.

"Elderly relatives NEVER suffer from senile dementia." Who? What now?

"Modern men own a cat." True, men never own cats, on purpose. I have several cats - that I know of - and have acquired them all by accident.

"Any over-the-counter medical product will work instantly and 100 percent effectively." I know I shouldn't have drunk all that cough syrup before writing . . . Hey, what're all these bats doing in here?

"Tortilla chips are the most exciting experience any group of young people can experience." I was at Central Market the other day when a pal showed me the new package for Martin's Restaurant Style Tortilla Chips, touting "0 GRAMS" of trans fats. Now, if you looked at it quickly, he said, it looked as if the bag was promising orgasms. Or at least that's what my pal thought. Anyway, sounds like a pretty good marketing strategy.

There were a lot more on the list, but some of them were, well, kind of British and dealt with saving a few quid on car insurance or women barristers or the fact that you never see bangers mentioned in the same breath with kidneys.

American ads, we all know, are much more sophisticated.

From them, we learn:

Old people spend a lot of time surfing, or skateboarding, or riding bikes over mountains. I'm sure it's merely coincidence that they also spend a lot of time complaining about their health insurance and trying to buy prescription drugs cheap.

People who watch TV during the day live mostly on structured settlements - apparently from lawsuits filed after they spilled hot coffee in their laps, put their eyes out with a melon baller or drank motor oil - and are usually in dire need of cash.

People who watch TV during the day also have a need for credit cards in which the bank does not conduct a credit check and for which payment is accepted in human organs.

You can make $20,000 a month by screwing around on your computer all day long.

People who subsist on McDonald's food are usually very thin. And cool.

If you buy a cell phone from a certain company, a bunch of people are going to follow you around.

Women who drink a certain light beer are invariably extremely attractive and always have a twin.

A certain soft drink will make you able to dance atop parked cars without the owners beating you senseless for denting in the roofs of their Lexuses. (Or is it Lexi?)

These are things to ponder. The aliens are trying to figure it out, too. Just as soon as they find out where they can get their hands on the technology to let them put five blades on a razor.

Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com. Read more Argento columns at ydr.com/mike or at http://www.yorkblog.com - Argento's Front Stoop.