April 2006 Archives

By MIKE ARGENTO

Kids, want a chance to help out your country?

Want to save the world?

The whole world?

You can help.

The U.S. Army has unveiled a new tactic in the Global War Against Terrorism — the dreaded essay contest.

Yes, while other people think that the way to win the war is to kill the enemy, the Army has some different ideas — slay them with our declarative sentences, confound them with our compound dependent clauses, perplex them with our passive constructions.

Here are some thoughts about high gas prices.
Go to the comment section to add your own notions, conspiracy theories and complaints.
Thank you, come again.

NEWS ITEM: A story about white supremacist Michael Cook’s announcement cancelling his plans for a racist rally in York came after Cook visited the Mississippi headquarters of the Nationalist Movement. But he left Mississippi, movement leader Richard Barrett said, after failing to fill out an application.

On this week's episode of "The Sopranos," Tony and the gang are all abuzz about the possibility that Vito Spadafore, one of the captains of the Jersey mob, is gay. While discussing his feelings about gays with his shrink, Tony says he agrees with "that Senator Sanitarium, who says if we let this stuff go too far, pretty soon we'll be (performing unnatrual acts with) dogs."

Which is essentially Sanitarium's position on the issue.

The Philadelphia Daily News contacted Sen. Rick Santorum's office for comment. "We're not gonna dignify that comment by commenting on it," communications director Rob Traynham told the newspaper.

OK, it has Catholics and albinos irritated because it casts them in a bad light.
But that's not why you shouldn't like it.
You shouldn't like it because it sucks.
It really sucks.

It's true. Used car dealers are in the forefront in the battle against terrorism.

MIKE
ARGENTO

What is it going to take?

Tell me. Really. I want to know.

First, we were led into Operation Enduring Quagmire on a web of lies — lies that, in retrospect, weren’t very convincing, unless you have the mental acuity of a child and somehow believe those plastic eggs sitting around your house today were actually delivered by a big bunny rabbit. (And if you’re seeing big bunny rabbits and you’re not Jimmy Stewart, knock off the Jack Daniels for breakfast.)

Good question, and one we all faced this week while we were captivated by the tale of the 21-pound, 100-year-old lobster known as Steve or Tasty.

I know, it's sad when people die. But in India, this beloved movie star died and his fans took the streets and rioted. Read the story here.
Notice that the movie star's obit is accompanied by a photo of his devoted fans burning a car.

You can't make up stuff like this.
Think we could get one of these bands to play the fair?

In this installment, intelligent design creationism meets the philosphy of Hugh Heffner.
Seriously.
More after the jump.

MIKE
ARGENTO

Alleged money launderer and former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay was on “Good Morning America� Tuesday, talking about how those gosh-darned liberal Democrats were driving him from public disservice when he uttered a few words comparing himself to Jesus.

Napping.
It's good for you.
You're feeling sleepy...
More after the jump...