By MIKE ARGENTO
Kids, want a chance to help out your country?
Want to save the world?
The whole world?
You can help.
The U.S. Army has unveiled a new tactic in the Global War Against Terrorism — the dreaded essay contest.
Yes, while other people think that the way to win the war is to kill the enemy, the Army has some different ideas — slay them with our declarative sentences, confound them with our compound dependent clauses, perplex them with our passive constructions.
Cry havoc and let slip the gerunds of war!
Seriously, the Army is having an essay contest to get some ideas on how to fight the insurgency in Iraq.
Seriously.
When I first heard about this, on Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show,� I thought somebody had made it up and was trying to see whether the show would run with it. It had to be made up because, you know, the Army holding a contest to figure out how to fight the insurgency in Iraq was just too, well, depressing.
When historians reflect on the turning points in military misadventures, they point to Napoleon at Waterloo, Lee at Gettysburg, the Tet offensive in Vietnam.
And now we can add to that list the Essay Contest of Operation Enduring Quagmire.
We’re doomed.
OK, perhaps I’m being a little harsh. Perhaps there’s a good reason for the essay contest. Perhaps the Army is so flummoxed by the events in Iraq that it’s soliciting ideas from anybody with Word, a typewriter or a crayon.
The announcement of the contest, run by the Combined Arms Center at Fort Leavenworth, Kan., began, “The Army absolutely needs to understand more about counterinsurgency.�
Really? Could’ve fooled me.
Snide comments aside, let me take this opportunity to say, we’re doomed.
The announcement then says, “Nothing less than the future of the civilized world might depend on it.�
Oh.
My.
God.
Let’s see if I have this right: The future of the civilized world, the future of civilization, the future of all mankind and its quest to evolve to the point where we stop annoying each other, relies on an essay contest.
OK.
I’m imagining a kind of Junior Dispatch approach to this. No disrespect intended to the Junior Dispatch. I love the Junior Dispatch, and I can’t wait to see what Mrs. Jones’ third-grade class at Ore Valley has to say about fighting insurgents. It’ll probably be something along these lines:
“If we want to fight the insurgency in Iraq, we shouldsend my big brother over there because he’s really mean and won’t let me play ‘Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas’ on PlayStation II.�
Or,
“My cat would be really, really good at fighting bad guys. My cat’s breath smells like cat food.�
Actually, the Army’s looking for something a little more sophisticated. Of course, that’s not saying they’ll come up with any better ideas.
The Web site about the contest offers some suggested topics, just in case you’re having a hard time coming up with an idea you can express in a couple of thousand words that will guarantee the future of all of civilization as we know it.
Here’s one: “Small unit leadership in an asymmetric environment: Leveraging broadened strategic awareness and capabilities at the tactical-operational level.�
What’s that supposed to mean?
How about another one: “Comparing, contrasting and employing the lessons from constabulary models from post-war stabilization/insurgency scenarios.�
Isn’t this supposed to be in English?
That’s a problem. It seems the people behind the essay contest aren’t interested in any ideas that might actually help them figure out what we’re doing in Iraq. They seem to be interested in stringing together groups of words that sound really, really important and make it look like they really, really know what they’re doing. �
OK, here’s another one: “Defining victory in the aftermath of a successful maneuver operations campaign: Convincing the enemy to accept defeat.�
Have you tried asking nicely? Did you say “please�? What about holding your breath until you turn blue and pass out and fall over and everything?
Anyway, they’re looking for an idea to save civilization. It must be worth something, eh?
Let’s see, first prize is — again, seriously — $1,000.
A lousy grand for an idea that “nothing less that the future of the civilized world might depend on�?
Wait. You also get “a certificate of recognition.�
We are so completely doomed.
Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com.
It means the guy in charge of the squaddies should know all about turning points in military misadventures, like Napoleon at Waterloo, Lee at Gettysburg, and the Tet offensive in Vietnam.
Bob
As a mother of an American soldier who is serving in Iraq. I am impressed by everyones opinion! It is so nice to see that so many people have different ideas and the ability to express them intelligently. Isnt that what makes this country so great? Isnt that what being "free" means?
Yes , our leaders make mistakes. Some of them really make some whoppers but isnt it wonderful that we have the freedom to make them and then try to correct them? Lets face it... we live in the best country in this world!
We have the freedom to live,work and be what we want to.We have the freedom to express our opinions publicly. We have the freedom to hop in our car, bike or horse and go wherever we want to go without asking our governments permission. So if the Army wants to hold an essay contest to find out everybodys opinion without going through all of the usual channels, then heres your chance!Let them have it,good or bad. Heres your chance to speak your mind about the whole deal.Heres your chance to let them know, if you think they are doing things the wrong way, what you would do to make it work.
What other Army in the world cares enough to ask their peoples opinon? And them offer them money for it?
My son and his fellow soldiers are doing all they can to improve thier(the Iraqi)lives while trying to stop the bad things from happening to them. My son joined of his own free will. He wanted to be a part of something honorable and true.He is a good man! One with honor and integrity and I am incredibly proud of him!!
He reminded me of the fact that we did not create this country on a handshake and a promise. Our men and women fought in many wars to protect and keep our country safe and to help it grow.I honor and respect them for thier sacrifice!! I also honor and respect the families of our soldiers,sailors, pilots, and 9/11 victims for thier sacrifices.
We all owe these couragiuos people more than constant ridicule and harrassment.(although,we have the right to do that)
So ,if you know a better way to do things, speak now or hold your peace. Here is your chance to make a difference. Here is a chance to excorcise that freedom of speech that we so dearly love! Make that freedom work for you!! Make our Bill of Rights actually mean something...use this as a challenge. See if you can learn enough about strategy , politics, world cultures , modern and religious warfare to make an informed statement. Wouldnt you like to be the one who initiated an idea that would solve some of the problems our men and women are having in Iraq? Maybe your idea will create a solution to our feul problem. Maybe your idea will lead to the capture of Osama bin Laden.
If everybody would try to come up with solutions instead of looking only at the problems maybe we might be able , even if only in a tiny way, be able to help......... Maybe,maybe,maybe.