Tom DeLay as Jesus? Oh - my - God

First off, accusing liberal Democrats of driving him from office seems a little far-fetched. The Democrats have a hard time organizing lunch — particularly since all the well-heeled lobbyists provide free lunch only to Republicans because they’re the ones with power — so it’s hard to imagine them organizing a campaign to throw the little bug killer from Texas out of office.

Secondly, Tom DeLay and Jesus?

Really?

I was prepared to conduct a comparison. Both were brought down by disloyal aides — Jesus by Judas, and DeLay by former staffers and golfing buddies who are squawking to the federales. Both had problems with Jews; Judas was Jewish and so is disgraced lobbyist/convict Jack Abramoff. But the comparison had already been done and has been circulating on the Internet for some time.

According to that comparison:

Jesus was a carpenter; DeLay is The Hammer.

Jesus had 12 disciples; DeLay has a legal defense fund.

Jesus taught self-control; DeLay sold pest control.

Jesus said, “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the Earth�: DeLay bestows blessings upon the rich for they shall pay no inheritance tax.

Jesus healed the sick; DeLay helped cut Medicaid funding.

Jesus rolled back the rock; DeLay crawled out from under one.

But it pretty much ends there. When you think about it, there is no real comparison. Jesus threw the moneychangers out of the temple. DeLay invited them in and took their campaign contributions. Jesus helped the poor. DeLay, yeah, right. Jesus taught us to love our enemies and to turn the other cheek. DeLay taught his disciples to hate their enemies and kick them in their personal regions at every given opportunity. Jesus was the most loving, decent, honest, generous, caring human being to ever grace the planet. DeLay barely qualifies as human.

And I’m not even going to talk about their hair. OK, I am. Jesus, in most depictions, has lots of it, and DeLay looks like he has the carcass of a dead squirrel on his head.

The religious comparison is ridiculous, though it was invited by DeLay himself by comparing his self-destruction, brought about by his own hubris and lust for power, with the ultimate sacrifice made by Jesus on Calvary.

The parallels are non-existent.

If you want to do a comparison between DeLay and anybody, you have to think of a time and place closer to home.

You have to think of New Jersey.

Tom DeLay is much more like Tony Soprano.

He’s essentially a mob boss.

All of the stories about DeLay’s resignation focused on his indictment on money laundering charges and associated campaign finance violations and his ties to Abramoff. Abramoff, the stories all said, was a buddy of DeLay’s and channeled campaign contributions to DeLay and his associates. And three of DeLay’s former aides have all been implicated in the Abramoff scandal — and at least two of them are singing to the feds.

That is like describing Watergate as a third-rate burglary.

What DeLay has done is presided over the selling of the U.S. government to the highest bidder.

Want a law passed? You have to get a lobbyist or a political action committee to grease the tracks with some tribute to the bosses. Want a highway project? Have to pay the piper. Want to have a law that protects your industry — pharmaceutical industry, I’m looking at you — from being sued? Pony up. Have members of your party that might not vote with you? Bully them and threaten to cut off their campaign cash.

And the great thing is, it’s all sort of legal.

The mob’s genius was the development of Vegas more than 50 years ago, institutionalizing and legitimizing its previously illicit business. DeLay’s genius was institutionalizing the way money talks in politics.

He had some help. One of his allies in this battle was our own U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum. Santorum met regularly with lobbying firms to make sure they were hiring Republicans and were supporting Republicans. After the Abramoff scandal came to light, Santorum said he would stop meeting with lobbyists in the Capitol.

Of course, he left himself a loophole. He still meets with the lobbyists — the same day and time as before — but three blocks from the Capitol building.

This is the kind of sleaze that DeLay represents. He turned the Republican Party and the Republican Congress into a kind of big crime family.

And the people being ripped off are you and me.

Every day, Congress sells out our interest to the highest bidder. Look at the Medicare drug plan. It’s a mess and senior citizens and taxpayers are being ripped off. Seniors aren’t saving much money and the cost of the program is turning out to be a lot more than they said it would.

Someone’s benefiting, though. Big pharmaceutical and insurance companies. How do you think they got that kind of clout? The old-fashioned way, they bought it.

And who was the capo of this enterprise?

Tom DeLay.

Maybe things will change now. Maybe Congress will come to its senses and pass real lobbying reform that forbids lobbyists from buying access to lawmakers for the price of lunch, or a trip to the South Pacific, or a round of golf at St. Andrews, or campaign contributions, or donations to fake charities.

Who am I kidding?

That’ll happen probably at the same time Tom DeLay starts walking on water.

Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com.