Wake up and read this!

On snoozing, scratching and loud music
MIKE ARGENTO

Apr 6, 2006 — Monday was National Workplace Napping Day.

I missed it.

I was working, such as it is, covering opening day at Oriole Park at Camden Yards, and it's too noisy there to nap effectively so I was unable to commemorate National Workplace Napping Day, because my workplace for the day was being blasted with stupid music played at decibel levels that would cause an ox to lose control of his or her bodily functions.

Of course, I could go off on a discourse about how the people who run baseball - at least those who run it in Baltimore - seem bent on taking a nice, pastoral, sleepy sport like baseball and turning it into the aural equivalent of a Mountain Dew commercial, only even more annoying. There is no time for quiet reflection over the second baseman booting a routine grounder or an outfielder tripping over his own feet or the mascot falling off the dugout. Every second apparently has to be filled with noise and loud music that apparently has nothing to do with baseball. I mean, "YMCA"? What's that have to do with baseball? Last I heard, it was a song about ... well, you don't want to know what it's about.

It's a shame, too, because baseball is the perfect napping sport. Put on the TV at low volume and nod off while some steroid-abusing behemoth stands there scratching himself in his personal region. Wake up a few minutes later and the same steroid-abusing behemoth is still standing there scratching himself in a personal region.

You know, if the powers that be in baseball want to really clean up the game, they'd get serious about getting rid of steroids. And perhaps buy the players some Gold Bond Powder.

Just saying.

Anyway, back to napping. See, lack of sleep is a dangerous thing. It can cause your mind to wander and make you start thinking about the role of steroids and Gold Bond Powder, or lack thereof, in Major League Baseball and the next thing you know, you're putting your head down on your desk and dozing off for a few...

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Sorry about that.

Being a huge advocate of napping, I was deeply disturbed that I missed National Workplace Napping Day. (A co-worker suggested making today Orthodox National Workplace Napping Day.) I'm also probably deeply disturbed for a lot of other reasons - no doubt related to repeated exposure to that insipid song that goes DA-DA-DA da-da-da DA-DA-DA they play at the ballpark anytime one of the home team players does something special, such as making it through an entire at-bat without scratching himself in a personal region - but missing out on a sort-of officially sanctioned excuse to nap at work ranks up there with that DA-DA-DA song on my personal disturb-o-meter.

National Workplace Napping Day was scheduled for Monday because it was the first work day after daylight-saving time took effect, which means we all lost an hour somewhere and had to make it up. Personally, I believe I'm still recovering from daylight-saving time 1963. And speaking of losing time, I know people who have misplaced entire years. It was called college.

The Web site for National Workplace Napping Day suggests that napping at work is good, like we need to be told that, although I would like to say for the record, and clearly in the view of my bosses and such, that I am not personally in favor of napping at work, except under extreme circumstances, such as it being a Tuesday.

I called Bill Anthony, who, with his wife, has The Napping Company and is one of the founders of National Workplace Napping Day and has written a book titled "The Art of Napping at Work." It would have been great had I called him at work while he was taking a nap, but it didn't work out that way.

"Napping Day is every day," said Anthony, who has a Ph.D. in psychology and conducts non-napping-related research at Boston University. "National Napping Day is just the day we call attention to it more."

He said he has long advocated napping for its health benefits.

I've tried selling that. It doesn't work.

He said napping can help your mood and make you more productive at work.

Tried that one too.

Winston Churchill napped. Even during World War II.

Doesn't work.

See, there really is no art at all to napping at work.

The art is being able to do it without drawing the attention of people who believe you are working and who could arrange for you be able to nap anytime you want because you'd be without employment. The downside, of course, is you'd have to get used to napping in a refrigerator box under an overpass, and it's hard to get good reception to watch baseball games under overpasses.

The art of napping at work is the art of not getting caught napping at work.

One good excuse, and I only share this because I've heard of it and have never, ever personally exercised it, is "I wasn't sleeping; I was thinking."

The only problem with that is they don't like it when I think because I'm usually thinking of ways to nap at work.

But I wouldn't do something like that.

Not me.

Nope.

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Sorry about that.

Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com.Read more Argento columns at ydr.com/mike or at www.yorkblog.com - Argento's Front Stoop.