Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent an 18-page letter to President Bush last week, seeking to open a discussion about Iran’s nuclear weapons program. “There was not a single substantive proposal in the letter, but it was a revealing insight into their mentality,� a senior State Department official told The New York Times.
Dear Great Satan,
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad here. You can call me Mahmoud, it’s OK. I know you’d probably have a lot of trouble with my last name. I’d call you George, but in our language, George means “Great Satan.� So, as you can see, I don’t mean anything by that Great Satan greeting. Just trying to be friendly.
And I mean Great Satan in a good way. You are a “Great� Satan, not just some run-of-the-mill, mediocre Satan. I would refer to you as the Greatest Satan, but that honor is reserved for New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner.
How are you? I am fine. How’re the wife and kids? We’re doing fine here. Little Mahmoud Jr. is already participating in his first Jihad against the infidels of the West. I understand your daughters are living decadent, godless lifestyles that will certainly doom them to an eternity of pain, torture and humiliation. Kids today. They grow up so fast.
So, Great Satan, I’m writing because, as you may have heard, my country is working on harnessing the power of the atom and I understand you’re pretty concerned about it. Really, you have nothing to worry about. Nothing at all. We plan to use the awesome power of the atom for purely peaceful purposes. By that, I mean, of course, we’re working on harnessing atomic power so we can bomb the snot out of Israel.
Whoops. Did I say that out loud?
I’m sure my press secretary, who’s writing this down as I speak, will leave that out. He’d better. His predecessor’s the one who leaked our plans to the Times, and we had him beheaded. Good help is so hard to find. I heard you had to let that Scott McClellan person go. Sure, they said he quit, but we’re all grown-ups here. If you’d like, we can arrange for a beheading. No problem.
Better leave that part out also.
Down to brass tacks, as we say in this part of the world.
You and I are not so different. Certainly, you are a Christian and the leader of a modern, diverse democracy. I am Islamic and the leader of a country that, well, is not so different, except for the whole ayatollah thing. What I’m saying is we both believe in God and are leaders. I speak with God all the time, just like you. God tells me to harness the power of the atom. What’s he tell you?
Oh, and our state television is not much different than your Fox News, except when our Bill O’Reilly was sued by a producer .¤.¤. well, let’s just say we have a different view of consensual relations between men, women and falafels.
We do have our differences. Our women dress modestly. Yours don’t. (By the way, could you please exercise your great power as president of your land and get that Paris Hilton woman to put some clothes on; nobody wants to see that.)
Still, we should be able to talk this whole thing out. The difficulties we had in the past are in the past. It was very long ago, that whole hostage thing. It was, what, 25, 27 years ago. I was young. It was a frat prank that got out of hand. Get over it, already!
I’m kidding. I kid because I think we can joke around and depend on our humor to get us through these difficult times. Have you heard the one about the priest, the rabbi and the ayatollah walking into a bar? Very funny. I heard it from Akmed Saget, the Iranian Bob Saget. So a priest, a rabbi and an ayatollah walk into a bar and the bartender says ... uh ... Wait, it’ll come to me. I remember the punch line said something about “Silly Rabbi,� you know, like “Silly Rabbit,� like in your decadent TV commercials for that decadent breakfast cereal with the rabbit. I’m drawing a blank here.
Anyway, I think I can help you out. As president of a rich Middle Eastern nation, I am entitled to $450 million in oil profits. The catch, though, is I cannot access the funds myself and need an intermediary to get the funds. Should you help me with this endeavor, by sending me your bank information, your Social Security number, your date of birth and your mother’s maiden name, I will make it worth your while by paying you a 20 percent commission.
You must act quickly, though. Some Nigerian guy says he is close to helping me.
So, in closing, I’d like to say that this letter is merely a means to get to know you, to say hello and to start a dialogue that can benefit both of our countries. Don’t forget to include your mother’s maiden name when you reply.
And, seriously, I meant “Great Satan� in a good way.
Until my next letter,
Sincerely,
Mahmoud.
P.S. — How about that Tom Cruise? He’s crazy and, believe me, I know crazy.
Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com.
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