Big Dummy Is Watching You!

We have met the enemy, and it is us?
MIKE ARGENTO

May 15, 2006 —

Last week, USA Today - called USA Hooray by a colleague - reported that the National Security Agency has been collecting the telephone records of tens of millions of Americans, meaning that the Bush Administration now might have a record of every time you called out for pizza.

The story was an exemplary bit of investigative journalism from an unlikely source. USA Today doesn't have a huge reputation for investigative journalism. To be fair, though, the newspaper is a primary source for graphics that show "More Americans Love Jelly Doughnuts."

But here it was, the paper breaking the story about the NSA compiling the phone records of millions of Americans, thanks to the generous people at AT&T, Verizon and BellSouth.

Thanks a lot, phone companies! Can you hear me now? Good. Morons.

Incredibly, the spying program doesn't have a catchy name, like Operation Papa John's or something like that. My incredibly beautiful, tolerant and patient wife came up with one: Big Dummy is Watching You. (She always says I steal her jokes. So, are you happy now?)

There you have it: Big Dummy is Watching You.

Actually, Big Dummy isn't watching or even listening. According to the story, the NSA isn't listening to all of your phone calls, probably for practical, rather than ethical or legal, reasons. There just wouldn't be enough time in the day to have spies listen to you have conversations like this:

YOU: So what're you doing?

SPOUSE: Nothing. What're you doing?

YOU: Nothing.

SPOUSE: What do you want for dinner?

YOU: I don't know. What do you want?

SPOUSE: I asked you first.

YOU: So what're you doing?

Not everybody can be Pat O'Brien or Bill O'Reilly. If you recall, O'Brien, host of one of those TV shows that offers extensive coverage of Tom Cruise, got in trouble for leaving voice mails for a woman suggesting that the two of them pick up some hookers and cocaine and have a good time. Now, I'm sure those voice mails had some pretty serious national security implications, pertaining mostly to the proposition's effect on the supply of hookers.

O'Reilly made phone calls to a producer, suggesting the unorthodox and inexplicable application of a falafel, which is a Middle Eastern food, which probably does have national security implications, so O'Reilly should be carted off to Gitmo and interrogated with unorthodox and inexplicable applications of falafels.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah, the government is compiling records of your phone calls.

Some of the people who defend this egregious violation of basic rights say, well, you don't have anything to worry about if you've done nothing wrong. That's not the point. The point is the government is using a spy agency to spy on people who haven't done anything wrong. See, we have this thing in this country called the Constitution, and it gives basic rights, mostly to be left alone and not have the government spy on you.

At this point, I have a confession. I did do something wrong.

No, I haven't been calling Osama bin Laden to ask him if his refrigerator is running. But if the NSA analyzes my phone records and checks it against other readily available information, it will soon find me out so I might as well confess.

I forgot to call my mother on her birthday.

There. Happy now? I feel terrible about it, and now the NSA has that information. As far as I know, not calling your mother on her birthday is not a federal offense - judging from the reaction of some people, maybe it is, and I'm just not aware of it - and why the NSA would want such information is beyond me.

And by analyzing your phone calls, the NSA can figure out that you called Marino's for a pizza just moments after calling the pharmacy to refill your Zocor prescription.

Now, if you need to be told just how incredibly wrong and how incredibly scary and how incredibly un-American this is, do us both a favor and go read Dear Abby or something. This is the kind of thing oppressive, totalitarian governments do. And that's why it's illegal. When police or prosecutors want such phone records, they need a warrant, signed by a judge, just to make sure they aren't violating anyone's rights.

Of course, President Dubya - Big Dummy - doesn't think he needs any stinkin' warrants. He took to the airwaves the day the story broke to assure us that the government isn't spying on us. He said our privacy is "fiercely protected."

I'm not sure Big Dummy understands the English language. If the government is compiling your phone records, it's violating your privacy, not "fiercely" protecting it.

He also said, "We are not mining or trolling through the personal lives of millions of Americans."

Um, yes, you are.

Perhaps this is part of Big Dummy's quest to record the lowest approval rating by a president, ever. With luck, he may hit the single digits soon.

So be careful who you call.

Big Dummy may not be watching you, but he sure is keeping an eye on who you're talking to.

Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com.Read more Argento columns at ydr.com/mike or at www.yorkblog.com - Argento's Front Stoop.