By MIKE
ARGENTO
NEWS ITEM: Federal Trade Commission investigators have found no evidence that oil companies manipulated gas prices in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, despite record profits recorded by oil companies since the hurricane and record prices for gasoline at the pumps.
FTC: Washington — a spin-off of CSI.
(The investigators with the Federal Trade Commission, known as FTC, approach a crime scene. It’s night. The beams of their flashlights cut through the darkness and reflect off oily puddles in the foreground.)
GRISSOM: You see that.
WILLOWS: Good God! Two-ninety-five a gallon!
GRISSOM: Two-ninety-five-point-nine.
WILLOWS: What’s the deal with that point-nine?
GRISSON: I don’t know.
WILLOWS: Aren’t you supposed to say something witty now?
GRISSOM: Aren’t you supposed to strip down to a tank top about now?
WILLOWS: That’ll do.
(Opening credits.)
Voice over: FTC: Washington is brought to you by Exxon-Mobil, BP and Chevron-Texaco. Our motto is: If you don’t like it, try burning coal in your Hummer, pal.
(Brown enters Grissom’s office just as Grissom sits down to lunch.)
BROWN: So what’s the deal, Grissom?
GRISSOM: We’ve been asked by Congress to find evidence of price gouging by the big oil companies. Remember. We’re looking for evidence. The evidence never lies. So grab Sidle and find me some evidence. My burrito’s getting cold.
BROWN: Congress. Those weasels. We’ll get right on it.
(Brown and Sidle are sitting at their desks, facing each other. Brown is reading an Exxon-Mobil financial statement.)
BROWN: We’re in the wrong line of work. You know how much the president of Exxon made last year?
SIDLE: Let’s not get sidetracked. We’re looking for evidence.
BROWN: It’s a lot. Check this out: The guy gets to use a private jet, even after he quits. He gets $400 million to retire. He gets a car and a driver, private security. Man .¤.¤.
SIDLE: Brown, let’s stick to the evidence. Now, what’s that say about Exxon and price gouging ...?
BROWN: Nothing. Nothing at all. It does say that Exxon-Mobil’s profits are up 125 percent. Interesting. Look here, BP’s profits are up 165 percent and Chevron-Texaco’s profits — get this— are up 294 percent. Looks like a pattern.
SIDLE: And that’s while gas prices are going through the roof. You know, common sense would tell you that they’re gouging.
BROWN: Yeah, but that’s not evidence. It’s only common sense. We need evidence.
(At a crime scene, Willows and Stokes approach as Brass walks out of the darkness to brief them.)
BRASS: Dead guy over there. Shot three times. Found this other guy standing over him holding a gun. Gun’s been fired three times. Still smoking. What do you make of it?
WILLOWS: We’ll have to develop the evidence. Let’s not jump to any conclusions here.
STOKES: Just because the guy’s holding a smoking gun doesn’t necessarily mean anything. We’re from the FTC; we have to follow the evidence.
(Meanwhile, back at the lab.)
SIDLE: Grissom, it looks like we might have some gouging. I mean, the oil companies jacked up gas prices and made obscene profits. It’s time to move on this one ...
GRISSOM: Now, let’s not get carried away here. What investigating have you done? What’s the evidence?
SIDLE: Well, gas prices are at record levels and gas company profits are soaring. The oil companies are saying that the price of gas is driven by the market, simple supply and demand. But if prices were really driven by the market, and the oil companies were paying more for oil, and gas was really more expensive to produce, wouldn’t oil company profits be fairly flat?
GRISSOM: Now, that’s not how we operate here at the FTC. Stay here. I’ll show you something.
(Grissom picks up the phone and makes a call.)
GRISSOM: Hello, Exxon? Yes, let me talk to the head guy. (Pause.) Yeah, the top banana. (Pause.) OK, how about a vice president or something? (Pause.) OK, someone in accounting then. (Pause.) No? All right. How about public relations? (Pause.) The janitor then. (Pause.) OK, great.
GRISSOM (To Sidle): They’re connecting me.
GRISSOM (Back on the phone): Hi, this is Gil Grissom from the FTC. You guys aren’t gouging, are you? (Pause.) No, I didn’t mean with your mop. I’m sure you’re very careful not to gouge the floor. I meant price gouging .¤.¤. (Pause.) No? OK, then. Thanks a lot.
GRISSOM (To Sidle): Guy says they aren’t. Good enough for me. Nothing to see here.
(Back at the crime scene.)
WILLOWS: Sir, sorry about that. You can go. Here’s your gun back. Be careful with that.
STOKES: You sure that was a smart thing to do?
WILLOWS: Com’n, Stokes, give the guy a break. I didn’t see any evidence of anything. Like Grissom says, nothing to see here.
Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com.
Have you noticed Rutters? Their prices are at least 10 cents higher than anywhere else. They're price gouging.