The chimps and us...

A really messy breakup
MIKE ARGENTO

May 22, 2006 —

There's been some recent news about chimps that simply cannot pass without comment because, well, it involves chimps and people who love chimps.

At one point in the history of human development, though, some scientists believe people loved chimps too much - way too much.

An Associated Press story about the revelation that people and chimps evolved in a manner that gives our U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Man-On-Dog, nightmares described the prehistoric relationship between chimps and humans as "a long, messy affair that might even have featured an unusual evolutionary version of breakup sex."

"Messy"?

Boy, you can say that again. That breakup must have really been messy, considering that chimps communicate anger and discontent mostly by flinging their feces.

The story said that chimps and humans split from a common ancestor about 10 million years ago and then, after thinking about it for four million years - you know, taking a break, seeing other people, getting married and divorced, taking some time to find themselves - they got back together and one thing led to another and they produced a hybrid monkey-man.

The scientists, from the Broad Institute of MIT and Harvard, concluded this after an extensive DNA study, which, if used in court, would result in some pretty funny paternity suits such as the case of Reagan vs. Bonzo or Jackson vs. Bubbles or ... that's all I got.

The story didn't say whether the conclusion was bolstered by the discovery of a cache of fossilized Jose Cuervo bottles found near the remains of chimps and humans. A lot of Jose Cuervo bottles.

Of course, the anti-evolution forces - you know, the intelligent design creationists and assorted culture warriors - will go crazy and issue statements that are the equivalent of flinging poop at the scientists. But the DNA doesn't lie. Our ancestors - well, maybe your ancestors - were involved in the kind of relations we rarely see outside of the York Fair or farms down Shrewsbury way, if you know what I mean.

And while this has some pretty serious implications regarding the evolution of human beings and the development of species and the whole enchilada, as scientists like to say, well, it just weirds most people out.

Which is kind of surprising.

A writer with the online magazine Slate wrote: "It's too gross - our female ancestors would never have stooped to sex with knuckle-draggers." In rebuttal, though, he wrote, "Women do this every day."

No comment.

In addition, who doesn't have an ancestor that you're embarrassed by. It could be a distant cousin who did time for terminal stupidity or an uncle who wears Bermuda shorts with black socks and sandals or an aunt who, every time you see her, relates the story about her bowel obstruction, usually at the dinner table.

So you have distant, prehistoric relations who loved chimps too much. It can't be as bad as that uncle you have who was arrested wandering around the mall wearing a bathrobe with no belt.

It has the makings of pretty good episode of "Jerry Springer" - prehistoric men and the chimps they love too much. Wait a minute. I think that was on "Springer."

Other than the DNA and scientific evidence, we have other clues of our relationship with chimps.

A recent story in the Baltimore Sun recounting several recent chimp attacks described one in Sierra Leone in western Africa like this:

"Some news reports said a group of up to 20 chimps that had broken out of their enclosures gang-attacked the men, while other stories have pinned responsibility on one animal, possibly a chimp named Bruno, the undisputed alpha male of the Tacugama Chimpanzee Sanctuary."

"The thing was on a rampage," Gary Brown, an American who witnessed the attack, told an Austin, Texas, television station, "and it acted like it wanted to kill all of us. And it had hatred in its eyes."

Let's review. Long, messy breakup. Hatred in eyes. Acting like it wanted to kill you.

Hmmm.

The story also recounted an attack last year in California when a man went to visit a chimp named Moe that he - the man - had taught to wear clothes, take showers, use the toilet and watch television. It was the chimp's birthday and the guy took Moe a cake.

Moe and two other chimps attacked the guy.

The story said the guy "lost all of his fingers from both hands, an eye and parts of his nose, cheeks, lips and buttocks."

And if that wasn't bad enough, the story continued, "His genitals were also mutilated, according to news reports."

It looks like someone wasn't quite over the breakup.

Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com.Read more Argento columns at ydr.com/mike or at www.york- blog.com - Argento's Front Stoop.