MIKE
ARGENTO
Not to alarm you, but our sleepy little town here could be a target of terrorists.
Certainly, at least according to the standards set by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, we could be sitting here, feeling fat, happy and stupid, and safe, while wackos plot to attack the Strawberry Festival in Dallastown.
Or bingo night at St. Joe’s.
Or the Bricker’s French Fry wagon that’s at Lowe’s in East York on Saturdays and some holidays.
Everything could be a target. Except some things that you’d think would be a target. The Statue of Liberty. Not a target. The Morningstar flea market in Thomasville. Maybe.
In its latest effort to scare the bejesus out of us — which, when you think about it, is the mission of the good folks at Homeland Security — the department has released a report compiled by its inspector general that reviews the National Asset Database.
In English, what that means is the department has had someone go over its list of potential terrorist targets to let us all know that we’re all doomed because the people charged with keeping us safe are, with all due respect, a bunch of clowns.
Actually, the list is intended to be useful and is used to divvy up money for homeland security purposes. A lot was made of it some time ago when the feds announced it was cutting funding for New York and increasing it for places like Wyoming. That raised a lot of furor, mostly from New Yorkers, because a lot of people believed that New York City has a lot more to fear from terrorists than Cheyenne. They were wrong, of course. Wyoming just happens to be the home state of Vice President Dick Cheney and you can never be too prepared for times when a heavily armed veep decides to go bird/lawyer hunting.
So when the good folks at Homeland Security went about compiling lists of terrorist targets, you’d think New York, at least based on recent history, would still be tops in number of terrorist targets. And if not New York, then maybe Washington, D.C. Or even Pennsylvania, home of Philadelphia and the Liberty Bell.
New York wasn’t.
Let’s see if you can guess which state, according to the Department of Homeland Security, has the largest number of terrorist targets.
We already know it’s not New York.
And it’s not California.
And it’s not Pennsylvania.
Or Florida.
Or Texas.Or even North Dakota.
It’s Indiana.
Indiana.
Really.
According to the Department of Homeland Security, Indiana has 8,591 potential terrorist targets, compared with New York’s 5,687, California’s 3,212 and Pennsylvania’s 2,873.
What could possibly be a target in Indiana. OK, the Indianapolis 500. Touchdown Jesus at Notre Dame. Um. That’s about it.
And that’s not even the best part of the report.
The best part is where the government inspectors reviewed the Department of Homeland Security’s list of potential terror targets.
The list included:
Old MacDonald’s Petting Zoo in Woodville, Ala.
Amish Country Popcorn in Berne, Ind.
The Mule Day Parade in Columbia, Tenn.
The Sweetwater Flea Market, about 50 miles from Knoxville, Tenn.
The Apple and Pork Festival in Clinton, Ill.
Nix Check Cashing.
An unspecified “Donut Shop.�
(OK, Nix Check Cashing is a potential terrorist target, but the department doesn’t list where it is. Maybe they don’t know. Using investigative journalistic techniques, I located Nix Check Cashing in Carson, Calif., and left a message for Tom Nix, the proprietor. How did I do it? Google.)
Reviewing, The Mule Day Parade is on the list. The Statue of Liberty is not.
OK.
Now, I can see the terrorists having a problem with Nix Check Cashing — “serving Southern California since 1966,� according to its Web site. But the Old MacDonald’s Petting Zoo? And Mule Day? Not Mule Day!
And, as an aside, what exactly is the Apple and Pork Festival? I can see having a festival for apples and one for pork, but both at the same time? Those folks in Clinton, Ill., know how to party.
The potential terrorist targets do raise one question: What’s wrong with our check cashing establishments?
I mean, really, if Nix Check Cashing is a target, how come none of our check cashing joints are? And the Apple and Pork Festival? Doesn’t the apple festival they have in Adams County rank? Do they have to add pork? What about chicken?
And I’m sure the Morningstar flea market is at least the equal of the Sweetwater Flea Market. Shouldn’t it be targeted, too?
Once again, we get shafted.
I mean, we have untold old-timey days in these parts and we don’t even get a mention. We have bingo nights at just about every fire hall and Catholic church within a 20-mile radius. We have the St. Joe’s Carnival, for God’s sake, literally.
It makes you wonder, just what’s wrong with those idiots at Homeland Security?
Here’s a hint.
A spokesman told the Times, “We don’t find it embarrassing.�
Oh.
Never mind.
I think we know.
Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com.
This is almost as good as that "energy tzar" we used to have. Or is it "Zhar" Anyway, he was going to make everything cool with the gas situation.
Then there was/is the "drug czar" (Is it Tsar?) Too bad that never worked out- we could use some drugs in this country.