Lights, camera ... retraction: Mel bounces back

Mel, bubelah, how’s it going, big guy?

OK, I know, I know, it’s been pretty rough, what with the drunk driving beef and all. And the whole “Jews control the world� thing .¤.¤.

Yes, Mel, I know you didn’t say that. You said, “The Jews are responsible for all of the wars in the world.� I saw it on “Entertainment Tonight.�

Um, no, Mel, I don’t know whether Mary Hart is Jewish .¤.¤.

Sure, issuing another apology would help. No problem. I’ll get Variety on the line. The apology thing’s working for you. You’ve apologized what, three, four times now. You offered to meet Jewish leaders. You’ve been in invited to speak at a Yom Kippur service in L.A.

Yom Kippur.

Yes, it’s a Jewish thing.

Anyway, Mel, you’ve been a real mensch through all of .¤.¤.

Mensch.

Yes, it’s another Jewish thing. Look, Mel, stop being such a putz.

Mel, listen to me, ixnay on the ejewnay.

No, it’s not, Mel, it’s pig Latin.

Yes, it’s a good idea. I think you should work on a movie entirely in pig Latin with subtitles. Love it, Mel.

Anyway, Mel, you been reading the trades?

I don’t know whether the editor of The Hollywood Reporter is Jewish. Mel, little advice, knock it off with the Jewish thing, OK?

Yes, I know you’re sorry. You’ve apologized five, six times now.

Jon Stewart? Well, I think he is Jewish .¤.¤.

You didn’t get it? See, he said you had checked into the Henry Ford Anti-Semitism Rehab Clinic .¤.¤.

No, Henry Ford wasn’t the guy who was president who kept falling down. He was the car guy and he .¤.¤. Look, it’s not important. Mel, the reason I called is we gotta do something about your career.

I wouldn’t say it’s circling the bowl, but it’s definitely in the toilet. And I know the L.A. Times quoted some studio honchos saying you couldn’t get arrested in this town .¤.¤.

Yes, bad choice of words considering you have been arrested in this town.

No, Mel, don’t hang up. Listen, any publicity is good publicity. Remember when you released “The Passion of the Christ�? Jewish people went crazy, saying you depicted Jews in a pretty bad light and that the movie was anti-Semitic. That little movie pulled in a lot of gelt .¤.¤.

Gelt, Mel.

Yes, it is. Never mind that. Some studio people said you’d never work again and look at you. And remember when the media types were all asking you questions about your pop, the Holocaust denier, and you didn’t really say anything about it? How bad did that hurt?

See what I mean? Have you been watching the news? War in the Middle East. A good bit of the country is set on broil. There’s flooding in Texas. We’re talking about disasters and such on a biblical scale. And what are they talking about?

Right. You.

I didn’t say they were saying good things about you, just that they were talking about you .¤.¤.

Yes, I heard ABC canceled your Holocaust project.

And yes, I did hear you offered to meet with Jewish leaders to smooth things over .¤.¤.

No, I don’t think Jackie Mason is exactly a Jewish leader .¤.¤.

Mel, let’s not get sidetracked. This thing is pretty bad, I admit.

And some people were pretty concerned. They saw your blood-alcohol level was .12 when you got pulled over doing 87 in a 45 zone. And here everybody thought your blood-alcohol level had to be at least .25 before you started raving about the Jews .¤.¤.

Point-two-oh. Is that right?

�A�nyway, Mel, I think you can survive this .¤.¤.

No, it isn’t just Jews who think you’re anti-Semitic.

Look, Mel, you have to rehab your image .¤.¤.

No, Betty Ford is a different kind of rehab .¤.¤.

Yeah, I know that’s what you were trying to do with the Holocaust thing. But that’s the past. Just listen, OK? We can put out the word that you’re working on an Elie Weisel bio-pic, starring Mel Gibson.

Elie Weisel.

Never heard of him? He won the Nobel Peace Prize. Brilliant man. A real mensch.

Mensch, Mel. We’ve been over this .¤.¤.

Look, we think we can get Cruise.


Tom, right.

No, I think he’s a Scientologist, Mel.

Yeah, those people really are meshuggeneh.

Meshuggeneh.

Yes, Mel, it is.

Look, I’ll be in touch. A little advice, lay off the Jewish thing and maybe apologize a few more times.

No, but it can’t hurt and just maybe we won’t have to sit shiva on your career.
Shiva, Mel.

Look, I’ll call you when you get out of the Henry Ford Center.

I meant Betty Ford.

No, Mel, I don’t think she was .¥.¥.

Yeah, Mel, shalom.

Shalom.

It means .¤.¤. never mind. We’ll have lunch. I’ll have my girl call your girl.

No, Mel, she won’t call her that. Look, I gotta go. See ya.