I wrote a column that said, among other things, that the congregation of Rev. Fred Phelps -- the God Hates Fags people -- is really a group of secular progressives and that their act is satirical performance art. They are funny.
Anyway, I heard from one of them, Margie Phelps, apparently related to Fred. Apparently, I'm going to be a stand-up comedian in hell. So I got that going for me.
The text of the e-mail -- and a correction sent by another Phelps, Shirley -- is after the jump...
Hello Mike.
You do work a little harder at it than most, trying to shake off the bonds of our words. Our words must really be weighing on your heart heavily. Laugh until you throw up? That's a big commitment. Are you sure you're up to that much work Monotonous Mike?
We'll be there as announced, so do be sure you come out to visit. You clearly have many more questions, and you're stuck in the quagmire of your trouble spirit. Further, rather than running your macaroni chute about the children, and what you suppose -- in your selfish dark state -- they must think -- ask them. They've got more knowledge of the Bible at their young age than you ever will. More important, they have more clarity-of-thought, openness-of-face, and kindness-of-heart than you'll ever have or have ever encountered. You appear to be a lady who surrounds herself with dark-hearted, slope-browed, bouquet-tossing liars, who hate you in varying degrees, but all enough that they will never tell you the truth about your duty to God and your never-dying soul. Does that stark reality cause you to titter?
(You know, I watched a program just last night where a guy had some rare medical condition that caused him to constantly tell bad jokes and laugh. It ended up being a disease that killed him. Are you sure you don't have that condition, Manic Mike?)
By the way, I hate to seem like I'm kicking a guy while he's down -- what with that moral quagmire you're sloshing around in -- but the notion of treating the prophets of the Most High like they're a bunch of chuckles and nuts -- well you're about six thousand years behind the times. The very first time Abel opened his mouth to tell Cain about his duty to God, in enough particularized details so Abel knew it applied immediately to him and his behavior, and was not some abstract irrelevancy -- Abel tried to pretend like Cain was nuts. Then he killed him. See, Miserable-on-the-Inside-and-Outside Mike, there's a fine line with the earth dwellers between what they pretend to think is so nuts it makes them laugh, and what's so piercing to their heart it makes them mad enough to kill. Those who love the darkness have been mocking those who love the light for -- well -- since the creation of man over 6000 years ago.
You're walking that line Mike. You need to get a Bible out a read it. And obey it. With your fingers off the keyboards and your mouth closed -- lest ye blaspheme the Lord your God even further. You need to go to www.thesignsofthetimes.net and watch every video vignette, listen to every broadcast, and heed the words. The conscience that is constantly accusing and then excusing you is getting worn out. You're up to some kind of filthy sin; you know what you're doing is wrong; therefore you just can't shake these words off. That's why the people of God are called light in the scriptures. We bring the light to the darkness -- of your sin, of your conscience, of your filthy deeds. This nation just hates when that happens. You desperately need to ready every word of John 3. In fact you really need to read the entire book of John. Then add on Romans, Jude and Revelation. Then both 1 and 2 Peter. Then just keep reading. It's the only important assignment you have. And do it very, very quietly. :-)
See you in February -- and do be a dear heart and try to keep your projectile vomit and angry hands to yourself. Words, Mike. Listen to the words.
Magormissabib.
Margie Phelps
margiep77@cox.net
785.273.7380
PS If you think our picket signs are funny -- as you pretend -- or satirical or whatever other clever word you want to root around in your Thesaurus and come forth with -- wait until you encounter hell. You're gonna' be a regular stand-up comedian in that place. For how long you ask? Good question (finally). FOR EVER. Wrap your manically tickled brain around that one Mikie.
Here's the correction from Shirley:
And as for that part where Marge, in her zeal whipped off this email, lickity, split – and in her haste reversed Cain and Able – well – shut up about that – just read it right – AND – if you didn’t know that she made that typo – just ignore this email and listen to her words.
I on the other hand will hope that my email is without typos J Likely a vain hope!
After reading "You Got E-Mail and the response from Margie Phelps, I just had to re-read "HateMongers" article. I also googled "Westboro Babtist Church, Topeka, Kansas" and found their "www.godhatesfags.com" website.
Anyhow, I'm just plum wore out. I don't have any energy left... how does anybody keep that much hate in their heart for so long.
I remember a quote: "I'd call him a sadistic, beastial, necrophiliac but that would be too much like beating a dead horse"... well, I finally have a chance to use it for myself.
Is there something in the water in Topeka, or has the gene pool been too comfortable with itself for too long.
Oh my God, you are hilarious and these people insane
Ah, the Phelps family... real live internet trolls, sans internet. Really, the best thing to do with bottom-dwellers like this family is to ignore them, but they do a really good job of getting attention at any cost.
Not a bad trick though, raising a family of lawyers, then antagonizing people around the country in order to get a quick lawsuit out of it. Scientology's totally got Westboro beat on that front though.