This week, the House Committee on Government Oversight and Reform held a hearing. You might have heard about it. Pitcher Roger Clemens was summoned to discuss whether his former trainer, a sleaze named Brian McNamee, had ever injected human growth hormone in his ample backside.

At one point, Clemens read a statement from his wife, describing how McNamee injected her butt with human growth hormone.

One thing has to be said: Don't ever let that guy near your butt.

Anyway, the sports commentariat was all atwitter over this. They repeatedly intoned, breathlessly, that if Clemens lied to Congress, he could go to jail. Look guys, if lying to Congress got a person thrown in jail, 90 percent of the Bush Administration would be locked up.

Another thing this week, U.S. Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Comcast, pledged to get to the bottom on the New England Patriots' "spygate" scandal.

Baseball players being shot in the butt and cheating football teams?

All I have to say is I'm sure glad we are in the middle of a pointless, wasteful war where billions of dollars have simply disappeared. And I'm sure glad that the Bush Administration hasn't destroyed evidence that it violated the law by torturing people. And I'm sure glad they finally got that whole health care thing fixed. And I'm sure glad...

Oh, never mind.