The Onion does the Phillies

A story in the Onion includes this passage:

"To put into perspective just how long the Phillies have gone without a championship, the earth has almost made one full orbit of the sun since the franchise last paraded through downtown Philadelphia holding the famed Commissioner's Trophy.

"'We have a good group of guys this year, and if we block out all the stuff about how we haven't won a World Series in more than 5,000 waking hours, we'll be fine,' (Ryan) Howard said. 'Frankly, I'm tired of all that talk. Yes, I know Michael Jackson was still alive the last time we won, and I know Boston Legal was gearing up for its final episode. But look, when the umpire says 'Play ball,' none of that matters.'

"'After 364 days of constantly coming up short, I think this is finally our year,' Howard added.

And this, from a fan:

"I guess part of me feels like the long wait will make a title all the more special," season-ticket holder Mike Oliver said. "And even though I don't like to compare teams, this Philly squad feels similar to the one who beat the Rays back in the day. They had guys like Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley, Cole Hamels, Jamie Moyer--guys who could really play the game and knew how to win; not like today's players."

"Man, whatever happened to Jamie Moyer?" Oliver added. "He's got to be dead by now."