I'll admit it: I'm still a little afraid of the dark. My super-active imagination puts ghosts behind every door, burglars prowling through the basement, and black, hairy spiders plotting to encase me in a web as I sleep.

When I was a kid, I shared a bed with my sister. One night, I, a measly 3-year-old, convinced my sister, then 16, that there was a purple, many-legged monster under the bed -- and that I could see it by looking through the mattress.

Yes, I'm persuasive. It's a gift.

So how do I, a self-confessed giant chicken, confidently tell my daughter that there are no monsters and that she's safe?

In the last few months, she's started having nightmares about monsters chasing her and she can't run away (don't you hate those?). I remember from being a kid that the words "don't worry; monsters are just pretend" -- or any variation of that sentence -- had zero effect on me.

So I don't even bother saying that to her. Instead, we've told her that monsters are too afraid to come in our house because they know Daddy will "pop them in the nose." (It was only after we had used this phrase for several weeks that I discovered Sam didn't know "pop" meant "punch." That made a big difference in her understanding of what we were saying.)

And I've told her that, if she thinks she sees a monster, she should say, "You better get out of here, monster, or my daddy will pop you in the nose."

That worked for about two nights. Then she told me the monsters can't hear her (I guess only deaf monsters stalk her).

I've read about some parents giving their kids "monster spray," which is colored water in a spray bottle, and I've considered that. Except that Sam LOVES to spray stuff with water, so I'm betting she'll be out of "monster spray" within 15 minutes of going to bed every night.

Other suggestions? I'll take whatever you've got.