I'm ruined

There was no Noah crying, no Sam snoring or kicking me -- although she was in my bed -- and no husband up sick.

I think it's because my sleep has been ruined for the rest of my life. I can't sleep more than three or four hours at a time. I am simply unable to do it.

So after tossing and turning and pretending for almost an hour that I might be able to go back to sleep, I took a trip to the bathroom. Then I crawled back into bed and watched Sam sleep.

It was beautiful.

Her brown hair zigzagging around her head, with wisps falling on her face. Her long eyelashes creating a fringe at the top of her round, white cheeks. Her little mouth slack, with white little kid teeth peeking out from behind her pink lips.

Her breath smelled bad, but I can forgive her for that.

I had to put my hand on the side of her head and rub my thumb across her cheek. I had to brush the hair back from her face and smooth it along the pillow. I had to think about what she looked like when she was a roly-poly, dimpled baby with short black hair. I had to imagine what she'll look like the day I help her move in at college.

I didn't get much more sleep, but I did get a sweet memory to hold onto.

Now, if only that memory came with a jolt of caffeine ...