I recently had a disagreement with a psychologist about whether Sam, at age 6, should still be crawling into my bed every night.
I tried using the biggest, most-professional-sounding words I could:
I'm a proponent of co-sleeping, I said. I find the belief that children need to learn to sleep alone in a bed in a room separate from their parents to be an unrealistic American idea that is not practiced elsewhere in the world. As my child grows, she will naturally require more independence, and she will make the decision when the time is right about sleeping solo.
He replied, in a nutshell, that I'm full of crap.
Because Sam comes to my bed when she's afraid and anxious -- she often has nightmares (what kid doesn't?) or is afraid because she spotted a stinkbug in her room -- she's not learning to deal with those emotions, he said.
Instead, she's learning that only someone else can make her feel better. She's not capable of calming herself down; she requires outside assistance.
And if she doesn't learn to handle those emotions now, he said, she'll grow up into someone who is anxiety-ridden and overly fearful, and she'll likely have sleep problems throughout her life.
My gut reaction: OK, now you're full of crap, dude.
I love the intimacy of sleeping in the same bed with Sam. I love to snuggle her fast-growing kid body, hold her close and kiss her forehead when she's so vulnerable. I love to help her feel safe and warm and loved beyond belief.
And I know she loves it, too. In fact, when I talked to her Sunday and told her that an expert -- I even explained what an expert is -- said Mommy has been doing the wrong thing by letting her come sleep in my bed, she immediately began crying. She put her hand on my cheek, looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Mom, I just really like to be with you. I really like it."
How can that be wrong? How can making her feel good and loved be incorrect?
So I'm torn here. I'm sticking to the new plan any time she comes into my room at night: Walking her back to her bed, getting her settled, reassuring her that's she's safe and giving her hugs and kisses.
But I know she's spent at least part of the past two nights crying.
And, as Sam would say, that makes my heart hurt.
What do you think? Honestly, if you're appalled that I've been letting her sleep with me for so long, tell me. I need to hear it.
And hey, look, I learned how to make polls!
Syd still sleeps with me so there you go. ;-)
Sorry, Aim, I'm with the doc on this one. As a recovering anxiety-ridden, overly fearful adult myself, I wish my parents had forced me out of my comfort zone more than they did. For example, I never wanted to go to sleep-away camp because I was afraid I would be homesick for my parents and lonely. So they never made me go. Fast forward a few years, when I get left at college and spend the first 7 weeks crying every time I'm alone because of homesickness and loneliness. A lot of therapy after the fact taught me it was because 1. I didn't know how to comfort myself, 2. I didn't realize that feeling sad or lonely is normal and ok, and not an emotion that needs to immediately be vanquished, and 3. that I could get through it by myself - because I had no prior experience doing so.
I do see a way to make the transition easier for both you and Sammy - maybe she sleeps alone on weekdays and with you on Fridays/Saturdays?
Good luck!
Meh. I really think this is a personal decision. I mean, there are obviously blanket no-no's for parents - don't beat or starve your child - but as far as discipline goes, I really think it's individual to families.
I don't have kids, and don't think that I will co-sleep, for several reasons. But I can't put anyone else down for making a decision that they think is best for their kid. I would hope I wouldn't be judged for NOT co-sleeping.
I'm with the doctor with this one, but not for all the reasons he mentioned. I think kids need to be able sleep in their own beds because it would be TOO CROWDED to have all three of us in the bed.
I have co-slept with both of my boys and still do with Eli, 5, occasionally. And now, even when I want to snuggle Max, 9, he says, "Nah. I'm good." And I think, "What the heck happened to that kid who slept with me practically every night of his life for 5 years?!?!"
I don't think you can relate anxiety or any other adult-like emotion or personality issue to just one thing. There are lots of ways you can teach your child to overcome fear and embrace independence, including promoting problem-solving, encouraging them to play independently, letting them work out arguments amongst themselves and making them accept responsibility for their actions. And, yes, even encouraging them to sleep on their own once in a while. Gradually, through consistency, they'll grow into more independent human beings who can fend for themselves.
I've rarely agreed with "experts" on the cold turkey thing, potty training and weaning alike. I feel like that creates more harm, teaching your child that when they need you or depend on you for something, you're either not going to be there or you are going to be there denying them the thing they need most.
The truth is, the most well-adjusted kids come from loving, supportive environments in which their parents try to encourage them to be the people they are meant to be. But when they really need help, someone is there for them, giving them a healthy dose of tough love mixed with a little bit of indulgence. Everything in moderation.
The real question is: what does co-sleeping do to marriages? My answer: be creative. And chin up - nothing lasts forever.
Sleep is my favorite thing in the whole world. Oddly, my offspring do not share my predilection. I am a better mommy by being rested and happy 16 hours a day than by cuddling 8 hours a day. So my kids stay in their beds unless there is a real meltdown (rare), then I go to their rooms to sleep. But I think it's a completely personal decision.
My son would always wait until I was sound asleep before he would come into my room and stand 3 inches from my face and stare at me until I woke up. Then he would ask if he could "sleep in". Biggest problem was that he rolled around like a cannonball all night and kept me awake. When he was about 4 I put a sleeping bag and pillow on the floor and told him he could come in the room but he had to sleep on the sleeping bag. He stayed in his own room much more often after that.
my feeling is that my main job as a parent is to give my child the tools to handle life on her own, as an independent person. to that end i try not to shield her from bad things or discomfort because those are a part of life. don't get me wrong, i'm very nurturing and i LOVE to cuddle with her during sleeptime but i really feel it is best for her overall development to learn to sleep on her own at a young age. just my two cents though, at the end of the day whatever works for your family is what is best!