Dear Hank,
I cannot begin to express my gratitude and relief for the passage of the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008. The genius of this, your brainchild, overwhelms me. A $700 billion bailout is just the medicine that the US economy needs. I share the disappointment you surely have over the exclusion of Section 8 as you wrote it in the final version of the bill, even if they did still elect you Economic Emperor of the United States.
But that's not why I'm writing to you. Actually, Hank. Buddy, pal. I need--did I mention that you're my best friend? Anyway, I just need a favor. A tiny one. Insignificant, really. It's just, you know, with this economy, I'm a little short on money.
You see, one of my eight 42-inch plasma televisions is on the fritz. How can I watch the price of my financial institution stocks fumble and tumble daily?
The economy is even hurting my illegal immigrant live-in gold-plated-toilet-scrubber. Hank, I don't want to know what it feels like to have to sit on a smudged toilet just because I couldn't afford to give a 20 percent raise to the gentleman who calls himself Johnny.
Worst of all, the wife's Escalade has been acting up. I don't know how many more weeks I can stand to see her come home on the verge of tears because her friends made fun of her beat up 2007 Lexus. The times aren't just hurting us financially. They're hurting us emotionally.
Hank, if you would please, send an $84 billion check payable to the "ADAM RICHMAN BAILOUT FUND." I'll write back if that amount, based on no particular data point, is not sufficient.
Your best friend,
Adam Richman
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