A friend sent me this in an e-mail. My cats follow this description of a cats’ duties pretty well — especiall the “no closed doors” part.
BATHROOMS –Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS – Do not allow any closed doors…in any room. To get the door opened, it’s not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half-way in & out & think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS – If you have to throw up get to a white chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up while barfing so it’s as long as a human’s bare foot.
HAMPERING – If one of your humans is engaged in any activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering: When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book–unless you can lie across the book itself. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human’s lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING – As often as possible, dart quickly & as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark & when they first get up in the morning. This will help them practice their co-ordination skills.
BEDTIME – Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX – When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING – Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you and do NOT come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love & kisses, and you probably will get a treat.