OK, OK, I’ve gotten so much hate mail about my last entry/column that I feel like I’ve got to clarify a few points:
1. First, thanks for reading about one of my worst parenting times ever. That was — though many of you might not believe it — a hard episode for me to write about because I’ve spent so much of my life as a perfectionist. Being a mommy has made me learn to accept my own faults, my shortcomings, my occasional lack of control without beating myself up mentally for days and weeks and months.
2. I agree with those of you who said we should have left the restaurant. I’ve got plenty of reasons — some might call them excuses — for why we didn’t, but in hindsight, yes, it would have been best. As a whole, the experience seems atrocious. Living in it moment to moment, however, I felt that each time I dealt with a mini-disaster, I was able to redirect their behavior and re-establish calm quickly at the table.
3. My husband and I have no qualms about taking one of our kids out of a restaurant and dealing with errant behavior. In fact, Mr. Noah knows already that if we say, “Do you need to go for a walk outside with Daddy/Mommy?” it means he’s in trouble. Sometimes, he actually says yes, and he gets a needed break for a few minutes; regardless of his response, though, he is removed from the table until he calms down. In this case, I was flying solo with the munchkins, leaving me feeling incredibly short-handed and out of my element — another reason for my floundering and inability to maintain strict order.
4. Here’s why I ended with “Deal with it”: Because it’s life. It happens. Bad days, bad hours, bad eating-out experiences have happened to all of us. I used to go out to eat and be very judgmental of parents who had noisy kids. And then I learned that some restaurants are places to have relaxing, peaceful meals, and others — such as Friendly’s — are restaurants that cater to kids (this Friendly’s plays SpongeBob Squarepants on five TVs, for example) and, therefore, naturally come with more-relaxed standards. I consider it my job to control my kids; I consider it compassion when other people understand that, sometimes, you’re just off your game.
And, finally, for the record …
5. I picked up the crayons, the straw wrappers, the promotional piece, the kids menu and the apple slices immediately and put all of them out of reach.
Sam and I picked up the trains immediately as well and, when it was clear after letting Noah have another chance to play with them, I packed them away.
I apologized to the man who had the near-miss with the wooden train (and he was quite gracious, telling me he had kids and had gone through tough dining-out situations).
Sam and I cleaned up the spilled corn despite the staff offer to do so.
I cleaned up with lemonade spill, also despite the staff offer to take care of it.
I overtipped the waitress, apologized for our mess and thanked her for her patience with us.
H m m m . . . I find your response interesting . .. on several fronts.
First, though, I would like to retract my comments about your husband, and apologize to him. From the way your article read, it appeared your husband was in attendance with you and your two children.
Second, I applaud your actions ~ apologizing to the man who hit with the flying object, picking up the crayons, etc.
Third, I think you somewhat over reacted and overly defensive when you described the comments made as “hate mail”.
Fourth, you deserve to complimented for attempting to take control of a situation which went straight downhill from the time you walked into the restaurant, even though you should have left the eatery immediately, taken your children home, fed them a (cold) sandwich, and put them to bed. They, not to mention you, were obviously in ‘rough shape’ after a long hot day.
And, I’m assuming that when you said you overtipped the waitress, you left either a $10.00 bill on the table, or a 50% gratuity.
However, I do take strong exception to one element of your response:
Whether at the kitchen or dining room table at home, in a Chucky Cheese, Micky Dee’s, Friendly’s, or a ‘refined’ restaurant (where dinner for two is about $100, with a drink or two, and an appropriate tip), my wife and I always expected our daughter from a time well before she reached the age of your oldest child, to be behave with decorum.
No . . . My wife and I were not ogres. It’s just that we expected her to exhibit the same table manners and level of decorum, whether in a ‘fine’ restaurant, or while eating at a picnic table outside with friends eating lunch . . . or in a Friendly’s. (And, I might add, that we expected the same behavior from her friends when at our home, which seemed at times to be Grand Central Station because of all the chidren that flowed in and out while she was growing up.)
Just my thoughts . . .
I have mixed feelings. From a professional perspective you do need to reprimand the misbehaving child but you also need to be careful that your reprimand is not a reward. There are times when a child misbehaves because he/she does not want to be where you are. They don’t want to be sitting in a booth at a restaurant. A two year old understands time out. If used consistently and reasonably for misbehavior. Perhaps you could go outside and have time-out in the carseat and then return to the restaurant for the conclusion of your meal. Just explain to the waitress/waiter/hostess that you are not leaving for good and will return. Time out is two minutes (the age of the child) of cooperative non-restricted sitting. Not screaming, kicking, struggling. If the child takes 10 to 20 minutesor more to get this accomplished so be it. The time needs to be concluded with the child in control of proper behavior. Persistence will pay off. But the ultimate payoff is future visits where only a reminder of time out is necessary to change behavior.
Thank you for the courteous response.
H m m m . . . Now that I’ve been a grandfather for a year now, I just might start reading your column all the time!
When our daughter and you were growing up, “time outs” were just coming into vogue. I’ll be interested in seeing what else has changed during the past two decades.
Thanx ! ! !
Gilberto, your remarks of “Your children need a ‘parent-dectomy’” were about as hateful a message as you can send to a parent.
Amy, thanks for sharing. I understand the situation you were in, and I can tell you’ve been stung by some of your readers’ comments.
I’ll sink to your level, Gilberto, to suggest that you need a “self-importance-ectomy.”