Have you read this parenting article by Yale law professor Amy Chua, titled “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior”?
Here’s an excerpt:
“A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it’s like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I’ve done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:
• attend a sleepover
• have a playdate
• be in a school play
• complain about not being in a school play
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano or violin.”
And here’s one more:
“Chinese parents can get away with things that Western parents can’t. Once when I was young–maybe more than once–when I was extremely disrespectful to my mother, my father angrily called me ‘garbage’ in our native Hokkien dialect. It worked really well. I felt terrible and deeply ashamed of what I had done. But it didn’t damage my self-esteem or anything like that. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn’t actually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage.
“As an adult, I once did the same thing to Sophia, calling her ‘garbage’ in English when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me. When I mentioned that I had done this at a dinner party, I was immediately ostracized.”
I’ve got LOTS of opinions about this article and this woman’s beliefs about raising children. In my head, I’ve already written paragraphs and paragraphs of angry retorts, valid facts I feel she deliberately overlooked, and no-holds-barred, blunt refutations of her tactics.
Instead, I’m going to be diplomatic. I’ve been in the position of being reviled for openly discussing my parenting tactics (remember “My kids are messy and annoying. So what?“?), and I would have preferred meaningful discussion to knee-jerk, assumptive, accusatory reactions.
So, Amy Chua, I’d like to share my thoughts with you:
I disagree with your beliefs and behaviors related to raising children. I don’t doubt that your daughters will grow up to be “successful” in a quantitative sense; however, I sincerely hope that they also grow up to be happy with the lives they choose — if they are able to choose.
I doubt, though, that your girls know the true feeling of being proud of themselves. They might feel proud of their accomplishments, but those accomplishments have all been for you, not for themselves.
Your essay spoke of your parents’ view on their roles in your upbringing. My mother’s guiding philosophy was this: A parent’s job is to raise her children to be productive, self-sufficient members of society.
The specifics of how those children fit into society are not your decision. Your children are not an extension of you; they are separate human beings. You can demand that your children learn morals and values, and you can force them to study whatever topics you deem imperative.
You might be teaching them to be productive — or, to use your term, successful. What you are not teaching them is to be self-sufficient. You are not teaching them how to decide for themselves, which is a critical component of being a functioning adult. How will your daughters choose, for example, which car to buy? Which brand of peanut butter to purchase? Which men are good candidates to be boyfriends and husbands?
I abhor assumption in most cases, but based on your essay, I’m willing to wager a guess: Your daughters will choose based on what they know will please you. Not what will please them. Not what the best choice is for them. What the best choice is according to you.
And what happens if maybe — just maybe — you are wrong once in a while?
You have taught them to live under a dictatorial rule that prevents them from having their own identities. You are not teaching them to value people as people; instead, you show them that others are simply a means to accomplish goals that are not even their own.
I appreciate that you specify clearly near the top of the essay that you were not saying all Chinese mothers subscribe to this parenting philosophy. I would have also appreciated, however, if you had stated that you clearly understand that not all “Western” parents allow their children to be disrespectful, or turn their heads when their teenage daughters get pregnant, or place the responsibility for their children’s education on everyone but themselves and their children.
So, Amy Chua, thank you for your essay. I applaud you for doing what you feel is your best for your children. But I respectfully — and wholeheartedly — disagree.
Well said and well thought.