That’s my Noah. He’s a pistol. He’ll be 4 years old on Christmas, so I’m kinda pushing it by calling him a toddler.
Whatever category he falls into, I love him like crazy.
Speaking of crazy, however, I thought I’d share with you a glimpse into my week with the little bugger. This is The World According to Noah.
1. Pants are evil. There is no good reason on Earth to wear pants. So what if it’s cold outside? So what if you’re required to wear them in public? Nobody can make you. So there.
2. Once you’ve affirmed your choice of food for any given meal, wait until it is set before you. Then screech that you didn’t want that, you didn’t want that, YOU DIDN’T WANT THAT! Then choose the second food for the meal. When that food is set before you, repeat previous screeching. Do not eat anything — unless it is red and/or coated in sugar.
3. Name four things you want to be for Halloween — like, for instance, a farmer, a hockey player, Superman and a penguin. When you get to the store to purchase one of these outfits, insist that you want to be the only one of those costumes that’s not available. NOTHING will suffice except that bleeping penguin costume. Throw yourself on the floor and screech.
4. If a grown-up tells you to do something, say no. If a grown-up asks you nicely to do something, say no. Stick to this pattern until your daddy finally utters the sentence, “The only way I can get that kid to brush his teeth is to tell him NOT to do it.” Bask briefly in your success. Then take note of the new reverse psychology tactic your parents are employing.
5. When it is time to go to day care or a sitter’s house, FREAK. OUT. Imagine the end of the world is nigh and you’ve just learned you won’t have the opportunity to eat even one more cookie before annihilation. Act accordingly. Be inconsolable.
6. When your mother is in the kitchen, or the bathroom, or the living room, or a bedroom, see how well she can walk if you wrap yourself around her left leg. (NOTE: The right leg is unacceptable.) Repeat, ad infinitum, “Hooooold me, Mommy, hooooold me.” Then, when she finishes her task and says, “OK, buddy, let me hold you,” sit still for 0.3 seconds, then wriggle away.
7. The sole reason for pets’ existence is for you to pull their tails. Petting dogs and cats is nice and stuff, but that’s not what they’re in your house for. Act shocked when the cat hisses at you. Act shocked when some parental unit says for the 1,243rd time, “Do not pull the cat’s tail!” Argue the merits of tail-pulling in a loud, garbled dialect. Then go pull the cat’s tail again, just to see if he hisses.
And the handiest tip of all …
8. There is no need to wipe your behind after going poopy. Magic takes care of that for you. Just flush and run.