Moms say no to "dumpers"

Deana Bowers, of East Manchester Township, picks up her daughter Darah, 22 months. Bowers, a stay-at-home mother, makes sure other moms don't take advantage of her time.
By BETH VRABEL
for Smart
Usually, it starts small. A friend calls, saying, “Hey, I’m really in a bind. Can you watch my kids for an hour?”
Before long, the requests get bigger, more laborious.
“... pick up my dry cleaning.”
“... take Fido to the vet.”
“... fix the food for my party.”
Stay-at-home parents everywhere know the drill: Too many people are under the impression that not going to an office means not having anything to do.
To fill in the time between “Sesame Street” and “Oprah,” surely the parent won’t mind doing a quick errand or favor. Heck, they’ll probably appreciate the diversion!
Think again, dumpers. No one wants to do your dirty work.
Staying at home doesn’t mean Deana Bowers of East Manchester Township is available to be the spot cooker, shopper or baby sitter.
“By no means am I straight-forwardly blunt and rude,” Bowers, 35, said. “But I make it clear to people that I am a stay-at-home mom and that is my job.”
Women tend to worry about saying “no,” personal and business coach Tia Bess said. “If you do say ‘no’ to a friend and they are no longer your friend, then they weren’t your friend to begin with,” she said.
Some moms aren’t even aware that they are being taken advantage of until they’re resentful of the spouse, family member or friend who is being the “dumper.”
“The first step is becoming aware of a situation,” she said. “The second key, and very much especially for women, is coming to a place where you value yourself as a person.”
Shortly after leaving a career in accounting after the birth of her son, Dyson, four years ago, a former co-worker, pregnant with her own child, tried to line up baby-sitting with Bowers. Bowers quickly told the woman that she had left her career to spend one-on-one time with her child.
It isn’t that Bowers doesn’t understand the misconception about stay-at-home mothers. Before becoming a professional in accounting, Bowers spent five years in the Air Force. Bowers said she couldn’t understand women making the decision to give up their careers before becoming a mother herself. She even asked her sister, a stay-at-home mom, what she had for herself that wasn’t defined by her child and her husband.
“She was very offended, which, Lord knows, I would be, too,” Bowers said. “This is the hardest job I’ve ever done. I was in the military, and this is the hardest job I’ve ever done.”
It is a job that Bowers takes seriously, and one for which she has made sacrifices in order to take on. Her husband, an active duty Marine, is usually home only on weekends. The family has moved to the county from Michigan within the past two years, and they don’t have extended family here.
For Stacey Coby, 26, the decision to stay home was easy. She worked in a day care center before having Emma, 6, and Sydney, 2, and continues to watch children in her York Township home.
“I always tell people I’m half a stay-at-home mom, half a working mom,” she said.
Still, acquaintances would try to drop their kids off for an afternoon here and there. “To do that, I wasn’t having room to watch the kids I get paid to watch,” Coby said.
Coby and Bowers, who both are leaders of local moms groups, say other stay-at-home moms are often dumpers. Some seem to join groups for moms just so they can network for baby sitters.
“If I extend myself, I don’t mind,” Bowers said. “But I don’t like to be asked.”
Working parents are also guilty of occasional dumping on stay-at-home parents. A working parent who was looking into having Coby watch her child started off a question with, “Being that you only do this stay-at-home thing ...”
Standing up for herself is something Coby said she struggles with. She said she often waits to say “no” until she’s resentful and has lost friendships because of it.
“It’s nice to help out as much as you can,” Coby said. “But you have to put yourself and your family first.”
Tips for saying ‘‘No.’’Moms say “no” all day, whether it’s about having another lollipop, an hour of television or a brand-new toy. The word comes so easily when directed to their children. But when the “no” is directed to another adult, somehow it often gets stuck in the throat.
“It takes a lot for me to say ‘no’ and stand up for myself,” Stacey Coby of York Township said. Coby has two children and watches two more in her home. Forget the bonbons. Her days begin at dawn. The children she baby-sits arrive by 6:30 a.m. They spend the day going to parks, working on projects, running errands and setting play dates. Coby also is the organizer of a nearly 30-member group for local moms.
“Saying ‘no’ is so hard to do, but it has to be done,” Coby said.
Tia Bess, a York-based personal and business coach, said the problem is often twofold. Stay-at-home parents may not value themselves enough, and others don’t appreciate how busy they actually are. “Unfortunately, we teach people how to treat us,” Bess said.
So their spouses may think nothing of asking for a last-minute errand, their extended family feels comfortable putting them in charge of party planning, and their friends have a go-to for last-minute baby-sitting.
Meanwhile, the stay-at-home parent’s resentment reaches a boiling point.
Setting boundaries is key, Bess said. She has a step-by-step guide to doing just that.
So, lets say a friend is, again, looking for some last-minute free baby-sitting. Here is Bess’ guide to declining while still — hopefully — maintaining the friendship.• Acknowledge the request. Say, “I understand that you have a need for a baby sitter.”
• Identify your needs. Let the person know what your own needs are while ensuring that she sees it has nothing to do with her personally. “I need to take this afternoon and spend some one-on-one time with my children.”
• Put out what you are willing to do. Don’t muddle what you are willing to give. Make it tangible. Perhaps say, “If you still need a sitter at 3 p.m., I’ll be available for two hours.” Don’t just say, “Some other time.”
• Finally, stick with it. This is the most important step, Bess said. Because if the person presses and you cave, you’re setting yourself up to be stepped on again and again. “Once you give in, you’re telling them you waffle,” Bess said.
“It’s basically kind of a volley. You’re addressing them; you’re addressing you,” she said. “It’s really about saying, ‘I value myself as much as I value everyone else.’ ”
Coaching contactFor more tips on standing up for yourself professionally or personally, contact Transform You Coaching. Tia Bess, a certified coach and behavioral change consultant, offers a free consult and subsequent coaching over the phone or in her York-based office.
For details, call 792-0085 or go to www.transformyoucoaching.com.







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