Be the perfect host (or houseguest)
By JENNIFER VOGELSONG for Smart
Do you think your friends and relatives really mean it when they tell you to “make yourself at home” while spending a few days at their place? Of course not.
During the holidays, a good many folks find themselves either hosting or being a house-guest. Unfortunately, way too many people have no idea what either role really entails.
The etiquette on such stuff is a bit fuzzy, so sometimes misunderstandings are actually understandable. Still, it’s good to know what’s expected of you, whether you’re hosting houseguests for the holidays or are visiting friends or relatives.
Length of stay
You know the old saying about houseguests and fish (both begin to smell after about three days) . . . well, it’s true, and it’s one of those fundamental laws that you never want to break — especially if the person you’re staying with isn’t a best friend since birth or a relative.
“You want to keep it short and have a really good time while you’re there,” advises Cindy Post Senning, a director of the Emily Post Institute, the etiquette authority. “Don’t stay more than a couple of nights.”
If you’re a guest, by all means make sure your host or hostess knows when you’ll arrive and leave. If you have any specific plans while you’re there, be sure to fill him or her in on those as well.
On the flip side, if you’re inviting someone to visit you, be very clear about when the invitation is for and how long you expect your guest will stay.
Gifts
Never, ever, ever — under any circumstances — arrive empty-handed.
“It starts things off on the right foot,“ says nationally syndicated advice columnist Amy Alkon, aka “The Advice Goddess.”
“Quite frankly, it’s a bribe. It’s about making someone feel good about you staying there and mooching free hotel space.”
It doesn’t have to be something that’s going to break the bank. You don’t have to go all out for this kind of gift. Just something small and thoughtful. And yes, the rule still applies even if you’re just visiting your parents.
If you need some ideas, think about what your host or hostess enjoys or what’s unique to where you live.
If you’re from York County, you’ll be hard-pressed to choose between bringing a tin of Wolfgang chocolates or a jar of Hershey’s Kisses, a stick of Lebanon bologna or a bag of pretzels.
Whether you brought a bottle of wine or a box of chocolates, you should not expect your host or hostess to break open the goods and share them with everyone while you’re there, Post Senning says.
Violators of this never-to-be-broken rule of bringing a hostess gift should take steps to send one within three days of their departure.
What to provide
Just as a hotel or motel provides guests with the basics of a bed and bath, a good host or hostess should be prepared to provide guests with access to both. That means a cot with clean sheets, a pillow and blanket, and clean towels in the bathroom.
Beyond that, it’s up to the guest to bring whatever he or she needs to be comfortable, whether it be a special stuffed animal to sleep with or a particular brand of toothpaste.
If your guest is a college buddy accustomed to crashing on the couch, that’s one thing. But, generally, good manners dictate that you inform guests in advance of what their sleeping arrangements will be, Alkon says.
However, this does not mean that you must become your guests’ maid. House-guests should make their beds, keep their space in the home neat and tidy, and clean up any messes they make. They should also bring enough clothing for the duration of their stay, and keep in mind that the host or hostess is not running a laundry service.
Meals
If your host makes meals while you’re visiting, you, as a guest, should offer to set the table, help with preparations and clean up afterward. If you’re in town for more than a few days, you should offer to chip in for groceries or bring your own food, according to Post Senning.
If you’re vegetarian, vegan, eat only purple foods or have other dietary restrictions, it’s wise to let your host or hostess know ahead of time. If possible, bring your own snacks or offer to fix something else for yourself.
When staying with friends or family, it’s really nice if you offer to cook a special meal for your host or hostess or take them out for dinner — or even just coffee, if money is tight.
Activities/entertainment
The words “host” and “hostess” are not synonymous with “shuttle service,” “tour guide” and “entertainer.” If you’re a guest, you shouldn’t expect the person you’re visiting to drive you all around town and plan a full schedule of activities to keep you entertained during your stay.
Learn the local public transportation system, call a cab or make transportation arrangements ahead of time. Alkon says under no circumstances should you expect to use your host or hostess’ car. “Then you’re not just their friend, you’re an insurance liability,” she says. “It just complicates things.”
And it’s a good idea to bring a book, magazine or other form of self-entertainment for the downtimes.
On the other hand, if you’ll be hosting out-of-town guests, it’s a good idea to chat ahead of time and find out if they’ll have free time to fill. Remember that they’re coming to visit you and see your town, so make sure you’ll have time to spend with them while they’re there. Offer some suggestions of places they might like to go, things they might like to do.
Do you think, maybe ... ?
So you forgot to bring shampoo, you really would like a light to read by before bed or some time to go shopping while you’re in town?
Just ask.
Post Senning says most hosts or hostesses will probably be glad to help if they can. After all, they want you to be comfortable and enjoy your stay.
“The main thing is just to talk about it with your host,“ she says. “Communicate, communicate, communicate. That will make the stay as pleasant as possible.“
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