Dealing with cranky people
By BETH VRABEL
For Smart
Cranky people. They’re everywhere.
At home, maybe the baby’s teething. For older children, maybe it’s puberty. Your spouse might be cutting back on caffeine. And the daily grind could be getting to co-workers.
They’re unavoidable. And nothing can derail your otherwise-pleasant day faster than a bite from a sourpuss.
Here are some smart tips on how to soothe the irritable — or at least keep them at bay.
Your co-workers
In the movie “Office Space,” it’s referred to as “having a case of the Mondays.” But some employees suffer this affliction all week. These are chronically cranky people.
“If that’s the way they are, that’s the way they are,” said Dr. Sam Pisano, a therapist and director of Memorial Hospital’s behavioral health department. Offices are packed with personalities, and some just don’t mix, he said.
Too many times, employees react to such co-workers by striking back or cowering away. Neither is effective, Pisano said. Instead, try three approaches: respond to content, respond to process or mirror statements, he said.
To respond to content, listen to what the cranky person is griping about, knowing that some of it is going to be embellished or false. Then, respond to just the true part. For example, if a co-worker goes on endlessly about how many tasks he has versus other workers, respond by outlining the jobs each person has.
To respond to process, comment on how the irritated person delivers his message. Is he insulting or sarcastic? If so, you may want to reply by saying, “You seem a little irritable today. Is there something I can help you with?”
To mirror, reflect back what the person has told you by paraphrasing what they’ve said, Pisano said. This lets the person know that you’ve heard what they’re trying to express, and it also might give them a chance to gain some insight. “Basically, you’re giving them a glimpse of their own world,” Pisano said.
But sometimes, the best approach is sympathy, especially when the cranky person isn’t usually down in the dumps.
“You want to be giving back a sense of compassion,” Pisano said.
Pisano often goes into workplaces and guides co-workers through these responses. Too often, crankiness breeds crankiness until it begins interrupting work. “I’ve actually done interventions and we’d had to teach cubicle etiquette,” he said.
Occasionally Pisano has helped offices by just letting them have a support session where everyone can unload hurt feelings.
“With crankiness at work, you’re just sort of holding your ground,” Pisano said. “You don’t want someone to traipse all over you, but you can go home at the end of the day.”
Your spouse
But what if you’re coming home to another cranky person?
Your spouse is going to have bad days, said Pendergast-Herbst. “The thing that makes it the most irritating is that we feel we are responsible for it,” she said. “Most of the time, we aren’t. Ask them if there is something you can do.”
If there isn’t, then try to give the person some space.
Before you respond to nagging, complaining or sarcasm from your spouse, take a deep breath, Pisano said. “You don’t want to add crankiness to crankiness or you just get a lot of crankiness,” he said.
Use the same approaches you would with a co-worker (responding to content, responding to process or mirroring) to get to the bottom of the crankiness, he said.
But if the occasional crankiness bleeds into contempt and criticism — with your spouse saying things like “you’re ugly,” “you’re worthless” or “you’re stupid” — then you may want to book an appointment with a therapist or doctor. “These are indicators that the marriage has issues,” Pisano said.
Your baby
Dr. Joseph Dempsey with Springdale Pediatric Medicine — and father of an infant — knows a lot about dealing with cranky babies. For babies, fussiness peaks at the fifth and sixth weeks of life, Dempsey said.
“I think it’s helpful if your expectation is just that my baby is going to be fussy for two or three hours,” he said.
But there are ways to soothe, he said. Let your baby fuss for about two minutes. If that doesn’t take care of it, check to make sure there isn’t a messy diaper or that the baby isn’t hungry. If the crying continues, Dempsey said, parents can try running water, running a vacuum cleaner, or sitting in front of a fireplace or under a ceiling fan. Sometimes a constant,
repetitive noise or view can calm a crankster.
“It helps too if you just have a good handle on things,” Dempsey said. “Make sure that you’re rested, that you’re not hungry.”
If the fussiness goes on for more than three hours a day several times a week after the sixth week, you may want to go to the doctor, he said. Your child probably has colic.
But sometimes parents just need to back off, he said. Some babies’ personalities are demanding and harder to soothe. “Those kids will be easily frustrated, too,” Dempsey said. “Sometimes you try to do too much with a kid like that and it makes them more frustrated.”
So, instead of moving the baby from one vibrating, colorful thing to the next, just swaddle him and put him to bed. He may just be over-stimulated, Dempsey said.
Your child
and teen
When a child is cranky, it’s usually for the same reasons as a baby. The first thing to rule out is sickness, Dempsey said. If the child is coughing, vomiting or complaining about pain in addition to a rotten mood, check with a doctor, he said.
But if the child isn’t sick, maybe he’s just tired or hungry. To ward off these triggers, give the child somewhat of a schedule.
“A lot of times the parents are getting ready to go out to dinner when the kids should be getting ready for bed,” he said.
Don’t forget to simply ask what’s wrong, Dempsey said. “There’s just so much that goes on in the public schools. Ask them to verbalize.”
Up until about age 8, children act out because they’re having internal conflict. So if your child goes from perfect, content angel to irritable, whiny devil the second the phone rings, it’s because she just wants some attention, Pisano said.
After age 8, children can begin articulating requests, he said. Even so, kids just have bad days like the rest of us.
That doesn’t mean your child’s occasional crankiness is your fault, even if his behavior makes you think it is, said Pisano, who is the father of a 16-year-old, a 21-year-old and a 25-year-old. “You never really know you’re a good parent until they’re about 25,” Pisano said.
You
If it seems like your co-workers are impossible, your spouse is miserable and your kids are irritable, maybe the cranky culprit is you.
Pisano recently had a client who was seeking help because his family had sent him there. “This was a guy who was just as cranky as could be,” Pisano said.
Step one in solving the crankiness was characterizing it. Pisano sent the client home with instructions to have each family member write down what happens to make the client cranky and how he reacted. The kids said they could tell their dad was cranky the moment he walked in the house by the expression on his face.
Secondly, Pisano helped the client see that because of the crankiness, he was alienating his family. They looked at the damage his demeanor had on his family.
Finally, they looked at his triggers and came up with different ways to react. Instead of being sarcastic and mean to his wife when she tried to talk with him about his day at work, they rehearsed saying things like, “I need about five minutes to unwind before we talk.”
“If you create awareness of what’s going on, then you change the game,” Pisano said.
Though Pisano said he as no qualms about helping others work through their crankiness, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t occasionally strike him, too.
“Sometimes my wife has to say, 'Look, you need to knock this off,’ ” Pisano said.
More
than just
cranky
Bad days happen to everyone. But sometimes irritability is more than just a passing mood. It can be a sign of depression or other mental health issue.
If a person is always angry or edgy, they may need professional help, says Dr. Nancy Pendergast-Herbst, licensed clinical social worker.
“If this is ongoing with the person you care about, you should talk with them and maybe persuade them to talk with a doctor or with a therapist,” she said.
Comments (3)
PhisteUtebuit · May 5, 2008 5:13 PM
The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing
the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://ebloggy.com/hunterporteriz
staidgism · August 15, 2008 8:02 PM
I'm new here, just wanted to say hello and introduce myself.
frhei eyvrifs · September 7, 2008 10:48 AM
yexg mpwxfjoz jxqzdbkwy xmgqakih kect ihcjrpotk pkciw