Free taco deal far from a steal

-- An “eligible” stolen base is defined as any base stolen during a game. (Fair enough. We’re makin’ a run for the border!)

-- The “Free Taco offer” is only for “Crunchy Seasoned Soft Tacos,” and only at “participating” Taco Bells. (Oh. ... But I kind of wanted a chicken soft taco.)

-- There are absolutely no substitutions, although the “Free Taco offer is subject to ... availability and Taco Bell reserves the right to substitute” for another item. (Hopefully they’ll sub it for a chicken soft taco.)

-- Should a base be stolen, free tacos will only be offered from 2 to 5 p.m. on one specific date to be determined. “Free Tacos will not be offered on any other date or time, regardless of circumstance.” (This is a once-in-a-lifetime taco opportunity, apparently.)

-- But fear not. Any eligible consumer “in line at a participating Taco Bell before 5 p.m. will receive Free Taco, even if it is provided after 5 p.m.” (So relax, people.)

-- It’s one taco per person, regardless of how many bases are stolen. In fact, “restaurant manager reserves the right to deny Free Taco to any person he/she reasonable believes has already received a Free Taco.” (Is there some sort of ground-beef breathalyzer?)

--“All restaurant manager decisions are final regarding Free Taco offer.” (There’s no challenge flag?)

-- As always, there’s no purchase necessary, and participation may vary. And, of course, void where prohibited. (Yeah, yeah, yeah ... we get it.)

So it’s that simple. Run, run Rocks and Sox, and it’s free tacos for everyone in America!

Oh, except that “everyone” is defined as legal residents of America, and “America” is defined as all 50 U.S. states and Washington D.C.

You get the idea.