Estimable blogger extraordinaire April Trotter published her bucket list in a previous post. As the Twenty & Change’s resident not-20-something male, I felt I should offer the crotchety take.
Bucket lists. In my experience, only the very young or the very old are penning them. When you’re very young, it still looks like you’ve got acres of time to streak at the Gray Cup or get to second base with Snookie. So hey, why not write down all the craaaaazy stuff you’ll do just after this next episode of “Hoarders.” Then, one morning the obituary section resembles your Facebook friends’ list. You look back on decades of watching “Saved by the Bell” reruns and eating Cheetos. Man, you think, I have to cram a life in here. What I need is a list.
Unless you’re a masochist, when you reach your mid-30s (or late 30s, who am I kidding?) you don’t look back at what you didn’t do in your 20s any more than you weigh your own age relative to that of your favorite major league baseball players. And what’s coming seems like an extension of your mid-30s but with more acute joint pain.
Still, my goal in this blog is to be more 20-something like, so I pulled a pad and pen out of my skin-tight hip huggerz and set to work.
I call this, the middle-aged version, my toilet list. Because at this point in life, I’m thinking more about what I gotta do before I get off the pot. So to speak.
1. Try not to die. Right off the bat, we’re getting rid of all need for past or future bucket lists. If you ever want a perspective on mortality, get to your late 30s, move a heavy box and get up the next morning. Pencil in a check next to this one when you spend a half hour a month the treadmill at 4.5 mph with the incline set to –5.
2. Avoid cheese. Throughout my youth, I had a love affair with congealed milk. Today, I might as well lace my Philly Cheesesteak with razor blades. Plus, doctors tell me too much cheese affects list item No. 1.
3. Keep ears hair free. I remember 20 years ago or so how badly I coveted chest and facial hair. Now, I just want it to stop in certain places (and continue in others, please). Luckily, my ears have stayed reasonably fuzz free so far and I intend to keep it that way. Granted, once the weather turns, ear hair might come in handy, but for now, it’s on the list.
4. Understand that 1996 was a long time ago. Occasionally, I catch myself thinking I’m young and current because I know a few songs by the Dave Matthews Band. And no, I have to remind myself, the internet is not a fad.
Very funny Bill. I wish it was a longer list for that reason. Made my day. Tom