On tonight’s very special episode of Dawson’s Creek …
Pacey: He won’t leave me alone!
Pacey: Bill Landauer!
An elderly man is stalking around Capeside. And the gang at Dawson’s Creek will never be the same.
Joey: Who are you, you sick old man?!
Bill Landauer: I’m … I’m your biggest fan! Don’t push me away!
He’s from 2012, stuck in a lame time warp, a sketchy nearly 40-year-old with the TV viewing habits of a 12-year-old girl from 1999.
Bill Landauer: I can’t look away! No matter how horrifying this show is, I can’t! I know this is one of the lamest, most horribly written, cookie-cutter programs ever to cross the airwaves. I mean, what kind of 16-year-old uses words like ‘ephemeral?’ But I can’t quit you, Dawson!
Dawson: Why? What happened to you? I mean, God, you’re 38 years old! You’re not exactly our key demographic here on the WB’s Inoffensively Rocking Thursday night line up.
Bill Landauer: It’s the availability of lousy TV shows on DVD and the lull between March Madness and baseball’s opening day. I watched one episode as a joke, you know. And I thought, wow, that was lame. Maybe I’ll watch another one or 10. Fast forward one week. My apartment is littered with Dawson’s Creek DVD boxes, the expense of which I’ve chosen over food! And then just when I say, OK, this is pathetic, I’ll never sit through another season of this, BANG — your life here at Creekside has another cliff hanger and I’m out another $15 on Amazon. It’s a transparent marketing gimmick to hang on to viewers, but it has me in its clutches, and on DVD, a weak-minded guy like me can be trapped for hours and cheated of gobs of cash. Uh oh! Even now, that older teacher is back in town and Pacey might be torn between her and his own true love, Joey …
Dawson: Get a grip, sir.
Bill Landauer: I can’t, don’t you see?! It happens all all the time! TBS used to air
reruns of Saved By the Bell when I was 32. Well, I had to watch! I felt like I was doing something wrong if I didn’t tune in. Next thing I know my laundry is piled up a mile high and I haven’t showered in two days. I tell myself to read. Hemingway, Faulkner, Pynchon — they’re collecting dust on a bookshelf in my apartment, but I can’t read them because … well … James Van Der Beek is available!
He’s the man who’s addicted to teen angst TV, WB style. On tonight’s very special Dawson’s Creek.
Then, on Felicity …